What do I have?

14 Jun


I had a couple of weird conversations this week that, frankly, knocked me for six. “Oh, don’t bother listening to people who make you feel bad!” I hear you cry.

And usually I’d agree. Except in this instance it was my therapist and Irish Two. My therapist is a professional. And she’s never been wrong before about stuff. Irish Two, well, I knew he wasn’t being an asshole. He was delivering some home truths.

I’ve always considered myself a bubbly, friendly, happy joy to be around. Turns out I don’t come across that way at all. I come across as “low energy” and “unhappy”. Or, “nice but sad” as Irish Two put it.

So I’m left wondering: was I always this way? I thought I was starting to feel more like myself. Was I ever a bubbly, friendly, happy joy to be around?

Ugh. I do not want to be a big old drain on everyone else’s happiness.

I lost my mind for a couple of days, emailing everyone I know asking what kind of person they think I am. I also had some email chat with a blogger buddy (you know who you are) who made me feel approximately ten thousand times better.

But when I wake up every morning I’m still feeling confused as to who I am and who I’m supposed to be and who I was before the pizza of doom. Through the whole mess of the past ten and a half months I never doubted that I’m a good, kind, fun, friendly person. If I don’t even have that, then what do I have?

Yes, what do I have?

It’s not an entirely rhetorical question. I’ll answer tomorrow.

7 Responses to “What do I have?”

  1. luciddream85 June 14, 2014 at 11:38 pm #

    Very rarely are we the people that we started out to be. I think it’s a blessing and a curse. We grow and we learn but life’s bitch slaps shape and mold us to be different people so that we can instinctively protect ourselves from making the same mistake twice. You don’t have to be a ‘cheerleader’ to be a good person. You don’t have to be bubbly to be happy. There is a certain beauty to sadness and being able to overcome it. You come out scarred, but you’re still (mostly) whole. I will take how I feel right this second and all of the life lessons that I have had, over being oblivious to how disastrous things can really be.

    We are the stronger of the two options. It will come in handy one day.

    • aprileb June 15, 2014 at 5:00 pm #

      Well, you’re right. Nobody wants to be a blissful idiot, do they? I’m so much wiser than I used to be. But surely nobody is going to fall in love with my sadness?

  2. thewholeheartedblog June 15, 2014 at 4:45 pm #

    Facebook chat me anytime dear. I haven’t posted in quite sometime, and should, but I always make a point to check for your posts!

    You’ve got it all lady. xoxo

  3. thatroxiegirl June 16, 2014 at 11:34 pm #

    I always enjoy what you post because oftentimes I’ve thought the same or similar.
    When I first split with my ex I did some really stupid, unbloggable things. I had a friend listen to most of it, and patiently support me through my identity crisis… Which pops up now and then but I’m human and it happens.
    Anyway he told me so many times not to let myself be defined by periods of sadness or stupid behaviour. Those are just moments, they pass and are not indicative of who I am at my core. And if I don’t like it, don’t let it become part of that. Or something. This was a year ago.

    It sounds like you really push yourself out there. Your blogs reads like a girl who’s trying so damn hard. You most likely are still good, kind, fun and friendly, but maybe you just need a little downtime to recharge?
    I’m not sure. Still, hang in there 🙂


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