I’m sitting at my desk planning holidays that I won’t ever take. Killing time before my yoga class. And I just realised that today marks ten months since the pizza of doom. Ten months. It’s a substantial period of time. But I guess not that substantial when it comes to grieving the loss of everything you ever wanted.
I’m sad, but I’m happy.
I’m sad that he’s not in my life anymore. I’m sad that he didn’t want me. I’m sad that we’ll never have a life together, or get married, or have kids, or join our families together. I’m sad that I’ll never kiss him again. Or feel his arms around me. Or lie on him while we watch Mad Men. I’m sad that I’m sure he has moved on. I’m sad that he’ll forget me. I’m sad that all my memories now drip with heavy, heavy regret. And that I’ve had to try not to think of him at all, or I know that I’ll never be able to move on. Because I’m sad to say that deep down I do still love him.
But at the same time, I am happy. I’m happy that I know I’m through the worst of it. I’m happy that it’s changed me. Although it caused me to question everything, lose all my confidence, and hate myself for a while, I’ve had to readdress things and build myself back up. I’m happy that I genuinely feel this is a better, more empathetic, loving, mature version. I’m happy I met Irish Two and that we’re friends now. I’m happy I started yoga. And started running again. And that I’ve hardly cried at all in the past week.
I’ve questioned myself, and where my faith lies (not a religious sense – I’m not religious – just in terms of where I put my trust, because we all have to put it somewhere), whether my arms really are too fat, and why anyone wouldn’t want me in their life. I’ve asked myself whether I’m too nice. Too self-critical. Too emotional.
It’s been a long journey. And I’ve some way to go. But let me promise you this, if you’re going through what I’m going through then there will come a point that the heartache lessens. Although you would never have wanted this to happen, there will come a point that you realise you’ve done OK. That you’ve learned. That you are a better person for it. Because you can’t go through something that rips up every feeling in your body and not come out stronger. If you did, you’d be defeated.
There is no denying I’m addicted to Nashville.
Well, I really like the words to the song ‘Wrong For The Right Reasons’.
Think of all the morning stars you would have missed
If you hadn’t weathered through the dead of night
Every single heartbeat you didn’t skip
Was the answer why
‘Cause the bridge that burned took you out of the way,
Made you turn around until you face the demons
Ten months ago I was about to have the worst night of my life. Tonight I have yoga, Mad Men catch up, and then bed before a crazy day preparing for a pitch tomorrow. Life isn’t how I dreamed it. But it’s OK.
Pizza of Doom 
I am so glad to read that you are doing a lot better.
The 13th of this month marks one year for me. Well, technically, I guess. He toyed with me until September 10th, when I found out that he was still seeing the ho. He told me he needed to protect his reputation/career, so he lied to me to keep me quiet.
It DOES get easier. Yeah, it totally sucks that it happened. Well, maybe not so much that it happened, but that I had to go thru it. In retrospect, would I want to be with a man who claims he is all about integrity, yet has an affair with his employee? Who emails her that she is the most beautiful, fun, intellectual woman he’s known? That the world stops and she is like a shining star, standing out for his eyes only? A man that step by step, tells another woman what he’s going to do to her that nite? A man that tells his chick on the side that he doesn’t care what the consequences are; they will be together.
Nope.
It was the most Hellacious experience ever. And yeah, I miss him sometimes. I miss our life together. Six years worth of plans/dreams/hopes that will never come to fruition.
He moved on and never looked back. He left me with a permanent reminder of him.That is truly heartbreaking to cope with. Unloving someone just because they no longer love you is not an easy task, regardless of the heinous behavior.
I am 54 and I felt as tho I really had found my partner for the rest of my life. I believed him and all of his pillow talk.
But, it’s a year since I discovered the emails that would change the course of my life. . .
I am alive. I am wiser. I am smiling. I am me.
And I know that there are better times in my future.
Your comment nearly made me cry. That’s horrific. And I’m so so sorry that you went through it, but so hopeful and happy to hear you are doing OK.
It does feel like hell at the time, doesn’t it? Like a nightmare that you can’t get out of. But we’re getting out. And getting out alive (just!).
People never cease to amaze me with how callous, cruel and unthinking they can be. But they also never cease to amaze me with their empathy, compassion, and ability to help others.
It’s behind you now. That’s all you need to know.
Sorry – certainly didn’t mean to make you cry. 😦
I’m absolutely sure that we have both shed enough tears that combined we would create an 8th Sea. We could dub it “ApRi” maybe?
I read a quote – something like “breaking up is the worst nitemare after having the best dream.” I couldn’t agree more.
Good friends, family, coworkers – even strangers – can make my day a bit – or even a whole lot – brighter. That doesn’t mean that the nites are easy. . .
Weekends & holidays are tough, too.
Is IS true tho, that he is in my rear view a bit more every day; appearing smaller and smaller . . .
I hope, one day, to disappear for good.
So, the Pizza of Doom is on my birthday. Let’s have a blogging party, with no pizza and iced coffee instead. And instead of a blog labeled, “It’s Been One Year” it can be “Happy Birthday Liz! You were born on a terrible Day!”
You know I have been trying to think of something nice I can do on that ill-fated day. THAT sounds PERFECT! x
Yay! We’ll have to think of more party ideas for this day. Too bad you don’t live closer, or I’d make you drink cocktails and go dancing with me!
This is such a beautiful post, April… and I must say that I’d really been waiting and waiting for you to write one such, after all the miserable months of weeping and sorrow. *hugs* So glad to see that you’re starting to raise your head up again and realize that there’s so much more to life than just the loss of him. Even if you still have those sad moments and bouts of tears every now and again, you’re right, the worst is over and done with and I’m just as relieved as you are to know that things do get better and don’t hurt as much. I’ve been having the same revelations about my own situation and just marveling at how far I’ve come. Best of luck to you x and P.S. I always meant to watch ‘Mad Men’ looks so great! Hope you enjoyed it.
Life rarely is what we thought it would be. But, sometimes that’s the best part. I’m still trying to find my silver lining in everything, but I’m sure that all of these doors that closed in our face have happened for a reason. Ten years from now we are going to look back with a little stop in our heart, remember the love we had and lost, and we will keep moving forward, doing whatever it is that we were meant to do.