27 Apr

I’m lonely.

Let’s face it. I shouldn’t still feel this rough nine months after the pizza of doom. If I had someone else in my life I probably wouldn’t. I jump at every whatsapp or text.

I’m watching Grey’s Anatomy and Arizona seems to be sleeping with Leah now. I’m pretty sure Leah has some twisted ulterior motives (probably to get in on a really good paeds surgery). Please – no spoilers. But the point is, Arizona is lonely. Leah is a comfort to her. I have a feeling it is all going to end horribly, but isn’t it funny what loneliness can do to people?

I’d like some comfort. I’d like to go to bed hearing someone else breathing beside me. I’d like to wake up and say good morning to someone. I’d like to think that if I died in my sleep it would take less than a month for the body to be found. When Irish Two and I were doing our thing, although I regularly punched him in my sleep, I loved sharing a bed with someone. Even now, I hang on his every whatsapp message. I’m desperate to feel that connection.

Apparently, when people are involved in a romantic relationship, their heartbeats sync when they sleep.

My heart has nothing. My heart has no-one.


11 Responses to “Loneliness”

  1. jadedwildcat April 28, 2014 at 12:35 am #

    I feel bad hitting ‘Like’ on this because it’s really heartbreaking to read these words… 😦
    I really do know how you feel. I may be fortunate enough to have someone to share a bed with every few weeks or so but, I just mean, I know that feeling and I know how crippling loneliness can be – it’s terrible and it CAN make you do desperate things.
    I did read your other more uplifting post about seeing your psychic though, and all I can say is that you should really just keep on as you have been, staying strong and pushing through all this isolation and pain…
    That hot piece of ass is coming soon – I really believe he is, and you just need to stay afloat in the meantime. We’re all here for you. Hugs. ❀

  2. youngandtwenty April 28, 2014 at 12:46 am #

    Take the time to fall in love with yourself and the right person will come along when they’re supposed to and your heart won’t miss out on anything, again πŸ™‚

  3. luciddream85 April 28, 2014 at 11:38 am #

    When I saw Leah on Grey’s Anatomy I couldn’t get past the fact that I knew her as Peyton from One Tree Hill.

    Nine months isn’t so long, really. I think it’s perfectly normal that you’re still grieving over the loss of Pizza. You loved him unconditionally. That ass.

    • aprileb April 28, 2014 at 8:03 pm #

      Your comments always make me smile. “That ass.” Brilliant.

      Nine months isn’t so long when you consider that my whole life changed. And i did manage to get up every morning and keep going to this new job which was just horrific back in the early days when I couldn’t sleep or eat. I guess I haven’t done so badly. I did love him unconditionally. And I’d never felt like that before. I just hope I can feel it again. For someone who’s worth it.

  4. intothebeauty April 28, 2014 at 2:48 pm #

    Oh, April. That was the saddest thing I’ve ever read from you in the nine months you’ve been grieving. How I wish I could come bring you wine and cheese and comfort you! If I’m ever in Europe, I hope you know you are the FIRST I will call! Hugs from the states. x

    And if you ever need anything and I’m not on here, here’s my e-mail: lararameytoo@gmail.com

    • aprileb April 28, 2014 at 8:01 pm #

      THANK YOU! You know you have been one of my buddies (not even just blogger buddies) who has helped me through this nonsense the most. It means lots to me.

      Ohhh, if you are ever in Europe then you better call me. I would love to have a night of drinking whisky with you! I was thinking the other day, if I am in Boston for work again we should meet up.

      Which again goes to show that I did gain from this break up. Oh, I lost a whole life. But I gained my blog and my blogger buddies and an emotionless Irish friend without benefits. I gained a whole bunch of new people in my life. Which is nice. x

      • intothebeauty April 28, 2014 at 8:18 pm #

        Anytime, lady! When I read your posts I can feel a bit of myself in them. I’ve felt that – and truth be told – I still feel that way sometimes. Because we are human. And it’s in our blood to not be alone. It’s evolution to not be alone. Don’t worry about worrying – it’s completely normal. I think if you were completely okay with being alone forever – THAT would be a problem. It’s finding the balance between wanting to find your other half and not stressing to the point of missing the chance ❀

  5. Just Someone April 28, 2014 at 8:21 pm #

    Hey.. 😦
    I cant see this anymore. Your pain makes me forget all of my own troubles. Its 1:45 AM in India and i will sleep thinking of you..
    See, we are not close to you but i guess not many people are lucky enough to be blessed by the prayers of so many souls.. πŸ™‚ So shed all this pain.. we all are with you.. I know that we can’t compensate for Irish two πŸ˜› but we wont let you feel lonely..

    (God please send an awesome boy for her, u can delay my request for a year or so, i can live with it πŸ˜‰ )
    If you havent seen it before, then you’ll like it:

    • aprileb April 28, 2014 at 8:23 pm #

      Oh my gosh – your comments always make me cry. Thank you so much for making me feel so special. x You might like my new post a bit more – it’s a little less emotional and a little more light-hearted. Going to check out your link now.

      • Just Someone April 28, 2014 at 8:34 pm #

        You know what, whatever the world say or feel, i still talk to her.. She is married and she does tell her husband when she wants to talk to me.. The person is understanding enough..
        She almost cries everytime we talk/chat and sends her crying pic on whatsapp 😦 She would say, that i have this stupid ability to make her cry. I hate to have this title.. And i hate seeing people sad.

  6. foodfortoomuchthought April 29, 2014 at 11:27 pm #

    I’ve just been catching up on what you’ve been up to and how you’re getting on, I wish happiness for you so much which seems so odd to wish for a total stranger but you’ve read some of my inner-mosts so I guess it’s okay.

    Thinking of you xx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: