The crazy hours

23 Apr

crazy-cat

I love coming home from work in the evenings. I love kicking my shoes off, putting on pyjamas, microwaving a kids’ meal, and spending quality time with my TV.

I look forward to it all day.

And yet, these are my crazy hours.

Because when everything else stops, the bit of my brain obsessed with the ex and my absolute terror re being alone forever wakes up.

And taunts me.

So every night I go to bed and find my pillow soaked from tears as I’m falling asleep. But when I wake up in the morning I don’t want to go to work at get all busy and distracted. I want to lie in my bed. It’s so comfy. Mmmm.

I go to work, and count the hours until I can go home and relax. Yet it’s not unusual for me to get home, put my key in the door, and start crying before I even get into the building.

I don’t have a point tonight or even a message.

I think I’m just a bit nuts.

But it’s been a hell of a nine months.

Aren’t I entitled to be crazy?

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8 Responses to “The crazy hours”

  1. plf1990 April 23, 2014 at 8:45 pm #

    Thank you for sharing this post. I have nominated you for a Brave Heart Award:

    Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

    I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are loosing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

    Each step you take you are not alone.

    Stand Strong.

    Please follow the instructions on my blog to accept your award 🙂 thank you for blogging.

    http://www.understandingmeandher.wordpress.com

  2. plf1990 April 23, 2014 at 9:10 pm #

    God this is so honest and so bloody true. It has been a crazy nine months – cut yourself some slack. You’re growing xx

  3. Jackie April 24, 2014 at 3:39 am #

    I’m in a different situation — chronically ill — but I do the same thing! I can’t wait for bed, but then stresses about the latest test results or if I’ll be able to do when I had planned the next day upsets me all night long and I just wish the night was over. Then when I wake up, the day seems like too much and the bed feels like a much better option. The doctor has given me Xanax and Ambien to take for when it interferes with my sleep too much.

    • aprileb April 24, 2014 at 8:11 am #

      I guess when we stop and try to relax, that’s when it all comes to the surface, right? I hope the Ambien and Xanax is helping you to rest and that you’re feeling good at the moment. x

      • Jackie April 24, 2014 at 10:17 pm #

        Thanks! The Xanax works wonders and the Ambien works sometimes, but Ambien also wipes away most of my memory after I take it — so at least if it doesn’t work I only vaguely remember my rough night. LOL

  4. Anne April 24, 2014 at 10:43 am #

    Go for a walk! 30 minutes each day, rain or shine, you gotta get this stress out of your body! And you won’t feel better (or find happiness) immediately, but eventually. Try it for a month. I actually did a lot of hard sports (it really helps you to feel aslepp), and if nothing else,I went for a walk. You won’t feel better immediateily (or happy), but it lessens the pain a bit. and I know everybody is different, but a friend of mine gave me the advice (and checked on me regularly). I don’t know, maybe it’s just doing something about the pain and not just letting it bury you (I really really know that feeling).
    I wanted to reply to your happiness post – it’s kind of the same thing. Happiness never comes when you are looking for it. But do the things you like, find a new something to do (I don’t know, learn Japanese for your trip? Or you once mentioned horses – start riding again), buy yourself flowers, if you haven’t done so yet, re-arrange your appartment, cook yourself somehing good (you gotta take care of yourself, you would like to meet a person who can do that as well, or?) as soon as you can handle it find some new people (who are idealy single, though not necessarely male) through meetup or whatever, plan some fun holiday. And there won’t be an immediate change, and frustration is normal (and I think you’ve already come a long way), But you can do it, I really believe it. And change the councellor if she’s no help.

  5. luciddream85 April 24, 2014 at 1:32 pm #

    I look forward to going home every day, but cry on the way there. When I pull into the parking lot and look at the space behind me where Andy used to park his car, I can still see a mark on the pavement where the coolant dripped onto the asphalt.

    We’re all a bit nuts in our feelings, but that’s what makes them real.

    • aprileb April 24, 2014 at 1:42 pm #

      So true. So so true. I’m glad it’s not just me x

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