Trying to find happiness

20 Apr


I’m just back from a weekend in Edinburgh with friends and family, and I had a great time. My friend Sarah took me to a posh hotel for a cocktail tasting menu. I met a friend’s new baby. I hung out with my nephews. I ate a lot of chocolate. Good times all round.

When I’m in Edinburgh it’s always quite in-my-face, though, just how alone I am.

All my uni friends and my family have moved on to create lives for themselves complete with other halves and, now, babies too. The life I’ve created for myself mostly revolves around MTV and frozen yogurt. Which isn’t really the same. At all.

I had coffee with my friend Jennie this morning and was saying, as I so often say these days, it’s just hitting home that I might not meet someone and I’m going to have to deal with that.

It’s something I thought about on the train heading back to London. Which led to one of my all-too-regular-breaking-down-in-tears-without-even-realising-it incidents. Awkward.

All I have ever wanted is to meet someone who loves me, who I love back, and to have kids. It was my priority as a teenager looking ahead to an exciting future. It’s my priority as a thirty something looking back wondering where I went off in a different direction from my friends.

Doesn’t everyone deserve to have someone to spend their life with? I know I do. I’m such a nice person!

But I need to face it: it might not happen for me.

I may well be one of those women (and we all know a few of them) who it just doesn’t happen for. I’m not saying that all women need a relationship and kids to be fulfilled. But I do. I really do.

It dawned on me on the train that I have two choices. Either, I stay in this frame of mind – genuinely scared that I’m never going to meet someone, and so, so full of hope that I will. Or, I can make my peace with the fact that I just might not. That I might be on my own forever. That I might not ever have that special person who loves me the most. That I might not have kids.

I am really, really trying to get my head around this and feel good about it. It’s not enough to think, “I’ll be OK if I don’t meet someone.” That’s just surviving. I don’t want to go through life just surviving. I want to enjoy it. I want to think, “My life’s going to be f***ing fabulous, either way.”

So far, though, I just can’t get my head there. In fact, since I gave myself this ultimatum I haven’t stopped crying. I cannot make peace with the fact I might go through life alone. I can’t feel good about it. I can’t stand the thought of not having kids. I hate feeling like there must be something wrong with me and a reason why it just isn’t happening. And that I got so close, but wasn’t good enough.

I’m desperately trying to find happiness.

But I can’t.

8 Responses to “Trying to find happiness”

  1. Akriti April 20, 2014 at 7:13 pm #

    awesome post

  2. luciddream85 April 21, 2014 at 3:58 am #

    Well, these days, you don’t have to have a man to create a baby. Not in the sense that we are all thinking about. Of course it would be ideal, Meet a man, get married, have a family. But if you really want kids and you’re financially capable of handling it on your own … well, there are other options. 🙂 Besides, I don’t think you’ll end up alone for the rest of your life. You’re probably going to meet this dream boat when you have all but given up, and you least expect it.

    • aprileb April 21, 2014 at 8:16 pm #

      Thanks, buddy. Yes, I always thought I would adopt if I end up alone. I like to think I still would. I just wish there was someone looking out for me. I know I have a tendency to feel really sorry for myself on this point. But it’s hard to get over it. X

  3. intothebeauty April 21, 2014 at 7:23 pm #

    Oh April, my poor blogger buddy! You know, I’ve known you through your writing for over 6 months and I’ve seen the tremendous progress you have made though you may not feel that way. From your words, sometimes I wonder if all that lingers from your recovery is some work on the inner self? And I don’t mean inner self, dealing with Irish 1, THE ex. I mean literally inner soul searching – not so much your past relationship. I feel as though you really are starting to get over your ex fully but you’re having some internal battles all on your own-about growing up alone and the fear you have with it. Battling the possibility of being alone is a bit different than the fear that goes along with it. Your next step in this journey is to tackle your fear. It’s your “shadow” as some would call it. I saw it almost as clear as day when I read your post today. The pizza of doom as turned into the shadow of doom. If you don’t start conquering your fear, you won’t progress anymore. And trust me girl, you have seriously grown so much over these few short months. You need to keep going! Have you and your therapist ever talked about that before?

    • aprileb April 21, 2014 at 8:11 pm #

      You’re totally right: I’m terrified of being alone forever. But how do you get over that? I genuinely can’t get my head into a space that says life is worthwhile if I’m on my own forever. I’m good for now. If I knew I would meet someone one day I’d be fine. But how can I be ok about a whole future alone? I cry every day about it. I know it’s pathetic, but I’m 32 and all my friends are married. I spoke to Irish Two about it today. His take was to screw making my peace with it and put myself in every conceivable situation that might lead to meeting someone. Sounds exhausting! x

      • intothebeauty April 21, 2014 at 8:38 pm #

        It’s hard work, lady. You’ve been dreaming of your wedding since you were a little girl. Breaking a habit that old is tough. But you should never give up hope. Irish two has a little bit of a point when he means to put yourself out there. Just not as much as he makes it out to be LOL You also have to realize that your purpose on this planet is not to just be married. If you don’t feel like there’s any other purpose for you, you have to search for your purpose. And darling, it isn’t pathetic. You are not pathetic! Millions of other thirty somethings are doing the same thing. I would be too – hell I cried hard only being 25 and feeling like the clock is ticking. But I realized that nobody is going to fall in love with my tears. They are going to fall in love with my positivity and warmth. And the same goes for you. When you stop worrying, trying to accept, trying trying trying love, relationships, words words words! When you stop all of that, THAT is when it happens. It’s like when they say women who can’t get pregnant make it worse by stressing. As The Beatles once played, Let it be, love. You will get there. Every day is a new chance to be happier than the day before. It IS exhausting but the end result is so much better than the swelling. x

      • aprileb April 21, 2014 at 9:34 pm #

        I know my purpose is more than to be married. And I’m lucky that I have other stuff going on. At this point I’m not fussed about a wedding. It’s the aloneness. The thought of never having someone. I have a fairly punishing lifestyle with work and city living. I just want to know I won’t always have to face everything alone. And you’re entirely right – who’s going to want me for the tears and the worry? But I don’t know how to stop worrying without making my peace with the possibility of being alone forever. And I can’t. We aren’t wired to be alone. We’re here to be connected. I have no idea how to feel good about the prospect of a life alone. Thanks for your encouragement and support, Lara. Always appreciated. I always feel better just seeing that you’ve commented.

        We’ll see what my therapist has to say on Wednesday. x

  4. caroltapec April 26, 2014 at 12:47 am #

    I’ve just started reading your blog but this post pretty much sums up how I’m feeling too. I’m still in the ‘getting my head around it’. I feel a bit better that I am not the only one who has these questions in my head. I know that these days you don’t need a man to have children but that’s not quite what I’ve pictured in my head. I want a family. I’m still hoping it happens for me but when things don’t work out with someone you thought might just be the one it’s a little bit hard not to feel down. Keep posting and I hope you’re feeling better these days.

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