The unfathomable

27 Mar

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I’m working from home this morning before I go to the doctor to get this stick taken out of my arm. I woke up with really sore boobs again today. It is definitely the right decision to get this sucker whipped out.

Anyway. I digress. I need to stop talking about boobs.

I saw my counsellor last night and was probably the most teary I have been in a long time. And I confessed to her – the poor person who has to listen to my saddest little tales of self-pitying woe – that every night I come home, sit on my sofa, eat a Marks and Spencer’s kids meal, and cry and cry and cry.

We deduced that there are two main reasons for this.

  1. The time of year

I thought I was going to be in Japan with him right now. Last year at this time, he was about to move in with me for a month. And everything was amazing and happy and the best time in my life. Next week is my birthday. I honestly don’t even see the point in having a birthday. I have nothing to celebrate. Nothing. I can’t even say I’ve made it through the worst year of my life, because I don’t feel like I’ve made it through. How can I be eight months on from the breakup and tell my counsellor, “Yes, if he asked, I would take him back. I don’t know why. I love him.” His Mum bought me antique spoons for my birthday last year. It is the best present anyone has ever given me. This alone sends me into fits of sobbing.

  1. The unfathomable

What with the whole turning 32 thing, I’m questioning life. I have a career. I have an apartment. I have a good social life. I have lots of nice clothes and more bottles of Philosophy bubble bath than you can shake a loofah at. I would give it all up to meet someone. And I’ve reached the point that I genuinely don’t think that is ever going to happen. I look at my friends in their relationships – whether they’re just happy together, or getting married, or having babies – and it is unfathomable to me that this can happen.

 

For the most part I’m content. I’m enjoying work. MTV continues to produce shows that thrill me. But the moment I start thinking about stuff, I start crying.

I genuinely wonder if I’ve done something bad in a past life (because I can’t think of anything that bad that I’ve done in this life) to deserve this hopelessness.

But then I kind of believe that you only get one life. And mine is just not working out how I want it to.

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4 Responses to “The unfathomable”

  1. luciddream85 March 27, 2014 at 6:16 pm #

    Have you tried reaching out to anyone in his family to maybe find out why this happened? It sounds like they genuinely cared about you. I’m sorry it’s a rough time of year for you 😦 Seasonal depression is a bitch, especially when you can link it up with things that happened at this time last year.

  2. thewholeheartedblog March 28, 2014 at 6:27 am #

    Sending positive vibes your way dear. Sorry I have been so out of touch lately. I do check for your posts every day though!

    • aprileb March 28, 2014 at 11:03 am #

      Ahhh, buddy, I miss you! I hope you are well and doing OK. x

      • thewholeheartedblog March 28, 2014 at 5:02 pm #

        I think we should take this friendship to the next step.. Haha. Find me on Facebook!

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