Crying over you

25 Mar


I still cry every day.

Last night I sobbed. A lot. Over nothing in particular.

But things are getting easier, because it’s all relative, I guess. A few months ago I was still breaking down in the most random of places – supermarkets, the bus, the gym, Starbucks. I use to sit in the cinema after movies ended and just cry while everyone else left. Then shuffle off home to cry in my bed.

It felt like I was suffocating. It was hot, impulsive, explosive crying. It overtook me. Sometimes I couldn’t stand. I usually couldn’t speak. It left me exhausted.

I remember sitting on Siesta Key in Florida (officially the Number One Beach in the US) on a glorious sunny day with heavy, blobby tears running down my face.

Clearly, wearing mascara was just not an option.

These days when I cry, it’s pointed. It’s acute. Things jab at me and bring very sudden, very sharp pain. Things like seeing another friend announce the arrival of a baby on Facebook. Or seeing someone act like an asshole on Millionaire Matchmaker. Or asking myself whether I can really see me ever meeting anyone (and deciding that no, I just can’t).

Things that would never have made me cry eight months ago.

Because eight months ago I had him.

The past two mornings I’ve woken up feeling deeply, deeply sad, and it’s taken me a minute or two to realise it’s from dreaming about him.

I talk myself around in circles of logic. And tell myself off for thinking about him at all.

I hate myself for it.

But I miss him so much.

9 Responses to “Crying over you”

  1. luciddream85 March 25, 2014 at 8:37 pm #

    As much as it sucks, it’s understandable and okay to feel the way that you do. *Sighs* I still cry over Andy at night, with my boyfriend laying next to me. It is what it is.

  2. racheve March 25, 2014 at 9:52 pm #

    Dreaming about him is cruel, it was one of my biggest set backs, I hope they soon fade out.

  3. storyofaloverslifetime March 26, 2014 at 3:03 am #

    Baby stop crying in 6 months time all of this will seem so irrelevant..I promise you this..I know from experience…you’ve hit a speed bump but you know what after every speedbump you move on at a considerable pace and this applies to relationships as much as it applies to driving….you got this…you’ll be fine….I speak from personal experiences….

  4. yveland March 26, 2014 at 5:37 pm #

    Hey I read your blog and I have absolutely been there. Not that I know exactly what you are going through, but during my hardest break up I couldn’t stop crying or more honestly I didnt want to stop crying as I felt once the pain was gone then it was really over. This quote always helps me, “…And if he wants to leave then let him leave. You are terrifying and strange and beautiful something not everyone knows how to love.” I know it is hard.

  5. intothebeauty March 26, 2014 at 8:53 pm #

    You’re not alone, April. I still dream about my ex. Just last night even. Never give up. We’re all here ❤

    • aprileb March 26, 2014 at 8:55 pm #

      Ahhh, thank you, love. It’s so weird. I guess the brain still processing stuff and at least having the decency to do it while we rest. I saw my counsellor tonight and spoke it felt like we were back to square one, but she reminds me how far I’ve come. As does my little blog world. Hope you’re well. I miss your regular posts, but read everything that you do post. x

      • intothebeauty March 28, 2014 at 1:01 pm #

        Aww I miss you! I haven’t been in the writing mood as of late. I don’t know why. It’s weird. Possibly just from being busy and end of the winter blues. Wah. I’ll get my inspiration back !

  6. theshanshuprophecy March 27, 2014 at 8:17 pm #

    I too keep crying over him.

    I KNOW he was no good for me, I KNOW that he is a poor excuse of a man to have left me the way he did.

    I also KNOW that I love him still … and I hate myself a little for that.

    trauma bonding is real… it leaves you desperate to understand what happened, desperate to fix what went wrong and completely bewildered as to why you cannot move on.

    Truth is, men (and women) who run away will always be running … it’s what they do

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