I love him, I love him not

11 Mar

daisy1

It’s a funny feeling having ended things with Irish Two.

I feel sad. I feel happy. I feel lonely. I feel free. I feel contented. I feel miserable. I feel empty. I feel confused. I feel rejected. I feel lucky. I feel unlucky.

I feel like I am finally over my ex.

I feel like I am still in love with my ex.

No, I’m over him.

I mean, I still love him.

No, no, no, I am over him.

I. STILL. LOVE. HIM.

Not ideal, but at least an improvement on a few months ago when all I had was I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I WISH I WAS DEAD AND I LOVE HIM.

I guess things are getting easier.

But the real test isn’t whether I love him. It’s how I feel when I reconsider the very disturbing fact that he doesn’t love me.

I don’t think that will ever stop hurting.

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7 Responses to “I love him, I love him not”

  1. luciddream85 March 11, 2014 at 8:35 pm #

    Have you tried to find out anything about him? Find him on Facebook or see whether or not he’s dating someone else? I’d be way too nosy to not try and find my ex to see if their life blew up in their face.

  2. shiftybananas March 12, 2014 at 8:21 am #

    The ex will always be there in the back of your mind, or at least mine will be for sure. It was a great love that ended tragically, but I have recognised the need to move on, and for me, that means removing him from my facebook feed, and forcing myself not to snoop. If I even think he might be seeing someone else, it wouldn’t be very good, so best for me to ignore it until I can deal with it – which isn’t just yet.

    After I broke up with my Irish I thought it would be a good thing because I might need more time alone to heal, but I’m feeling like maybe I just need someone in my life – I’m lonely – but it can’t be just anyone, I’m ready for a new person, that new serious relationship. I want that.

    • aprileb March 12, 2014 at 8:28 am #

      I feel exactly the same. The night of the pizza of doom I deleted the ex from everything. I knew seeing anything about him would drive me crazy. The thought of him with someone else kills me.

      With Irish two, it was pretty clear that I was the one with my life sorted and the one who was ready to meet someone serious.

      But last night I worked late, came home to scrambled eggs in an empty flat, and cried because it took me 30 years to find someone I felt that crazy in love about. I don’t know if I can find it again. That’s what scares me.

      • shiftybananas March 12, 2014 at 8:37 am #

        We are feeling the exact same way. My last serious relationship (with a serial cheater) took me 3 years to get over, I don’t want to spend 3 or more years mourning this relationship. Time to get back the horse. We should do more than just chug along.

      • aprileb March 12, 2014 at 9:29 am #

        True story. You know what, I’m (in between actual work) going back and reading your blog from the beginning. It’s nice to feel there is someone going through the same thing. x

  3. mick1982 March 13, 2014 at 5:32 pm #

    I haven’t written anything in a few months. I randomly check wordpress maybe twice a week and reading your posts in basically the only reason. Everytime I check back in I keep expecting your positive momentum to keep going up and up until you feel fulfilled again by all the things in life you would normally enjoy if you weren’t still dealing with a beat up heart. One of the worst things about being blindsided like that by a lover is that it can cripple your confidence and that in turn can make you question everything. It can also make you dwell on shit you wouldn’t normally dwell on. It makes time go really slow and makes normal things seem much worse than they are. Try to take yourself out of the equation sometimes and reflect on what you look like from an outside perspective. What you see can be surprising. Sorry for sounding like a fourtune cookie there. Either way, I’m rooting for you something fierce and thanks for being interesting enough to make me keep coming to wordpress single handedly.

    • aprileb March 14, 2014 at 5:16 pm #

      Buddy, I’ve missed you! I wondered what had become of you. You are one of my favourite wordpress cats, you know? I’m really touched that your still reading my tales of woe and I promise to try and sound happier and less shitty about things.

      I actually met a buddy at lunch (a guy) and we were discussing a mutual friend (a guy) who is all, “well I suppose I should marry my girlfriend because I’m 32” at the moment. And we were both saying we feel way more fortunate to be single with the opportunity to meet someone we love. So I’m holding onto that point.

      How are you doing? Keep reading! Every time I eat pizza (much more often these days) i think that it would make you happy! x

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