All the things that I don’t know

19 Feb

I was emailing a friend today, and the ex came up.

The friend said, “Remember, this isn’t something that he did to you. It’s just something he did. He didn’t see a future with you.”

Ouch.

Six months on, that still stings.

I don’t know why he’s on my mind so much at the moment.

I don’t know why he couldn’t see that future with me.

I don’t know why for months and months he told me that he could.

I don’t know why he told me he’d spent his whole life looking for me, and that he’d never let me go. Or why he rushed to introduce me to his family. Or how he could possibly have turned so cruel.

I don’t know if he thinks about me. If he cares about me. If he remembers me.

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever meet anyone who does see a future with me. Or if I’ll meet anyone who I see a future with. Or if I’ll ever see past him.

I don’t know why he did this to me.

And, while I know that really it isn’t something he did to me, I don’t know how to stop it feeling that way.

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6 Responses to “All the things that I don’t know”

  1. foodfortoomuchthought February 19, 2014 at 3:41 pm #

    You sound like you’re having a tough day. Must be something in the water today but I hope you’re okay as soon as you can be. Those questions whirring around your head are the worst kind.

  2. luciddream85 February 19, 2014 at 3:52 pm #

    I don’t agree with that, though. Yes, it was something that he did, but it was done to you, with the understanding that it was going to cause pain. He did it TO you, because he led you on for so long in believing that you two were going to get married, go to Japan on vacation, you met his family, you slept together.

    It’s like saying a rape victim shouldn’t feel violated because it was just something that was done, but not to them. Of course it was done to them just as it was done to you. You two were exclusive and you love(d) him, and he said he loved you.

    My current boyfriend broke it down for me a few weeks ago. I hung up the phone and cried. I told him Andy didn’t like to be touched and didn’t want to touch. He had a germ thing about too much touching. My boyfriend said “No honey. He just didn’t want to touch you.” and I thought I had died. It hurt like hell.

    Some people don’t mince words. But it doesn’t mean they are true. You have every right to feel victimized by this breakup. It was done to you. It’s just how you handle it, that makes the difference.

    • aprileb February 19, 2014 at 3:56 pm #

      Thank you. And, you know what? My therapist would agree. Whatever happened, he was reckless with my feelings. Willingly and incredibly reckless. I wasn’t the one pushing to move in or get married. He was. And then I was left trying to piece my stupid life back together.

      That’s a tough thing that you had to hear, but I think your current guy is right. Harsh to hear, but although he didn’t want to be touched by you, that is still HIS issue and not yours.

      At the moment I am coming to terms with the fact Irish Two snores. Irish One snored too. As has every guy I have ever shared a bed with. Irish One snoring didn’t bother me because I was head-over-heels in love with him. Last night I woke up to Irish Two snoring and I wanted to batter his head in. MY issue, not his. And I don’t feel good about it.

      Sending hugs from across the ocean x

      • luciddream85 February 19, 2014 at 4:57 pm #

        The thought of you holding a pillow over his face makes me giggle. Maybe I need therapy too. lol

  3. thewholeheartedblog February 20, 2014 at 5:51 am #

    I am too feeling the “I don’t know’s” as of lately. Trying to pick apart everything and find an answer. I thought we were done with this?

    Hang in there my dear.

  4. thatroxiegirl March 19, 2014 at 10:56 pm #

    This. This really hit home for me.
    I’m loving your blog, just by the way.
    xo

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