Dear person who broke my heart

16 Feb

It’s more than six months since you destroyed me.

And I’ve almost put myself back together.

The crying comes less frequently. The tears are not as hot and heavy. It doesn’t catch me unawares on the bus, at work, at the gym, trying to find cash to pay for my morning coffee. But when I do cry, it burns in my heart.

I sleep now. I sleep a lot. Probably too much. Often more than ten hours a night. My mum says it’s because I didn’t sleep for months. She says to let myself rest. So I do. And some days it’s still easier not to be awake.

I haven’t been ill in two weeks, which is a record. I’ve never taken so many medications in my life. I’ve never felt so weak, or frustrated. I eat healthily. I guzzle massive bowls of broccoli, spinach, beetroot, satsumas. And when I treat myself to an unhealthy snack, it leaves me feeling sick to my stomach.

I’ve nearly stopped boring my friends. Your name comes up less. But it’s hard to say it without my voice cracking. I have better friends than I could hope for, and your recklessness has brought them closer to me.

I’m seeing someone. In most ways he’s nothing like you. I don’t know yet if that’s a good or a bad thing. I find it hard to trust, to connect, to be the affectionate girl I used to be. I question things. I overthink every kiss.

We would have been going to Japan next month. I thought we’d get engaged while we were there. It was your idea to go. Which still confuses me.

I’ll be 32 in a few weeks, and life is not at all what I expected. But it doesn’t hurt as much. I do enjoy my life again. I enjoy writing, reading, seeing my friends, planning trips, thinking about the future.

Like I said, I’ve nearly put myself back together.

But when I allow myself to think of you, I can’t help but wonder. How could you do this to me?

7 Responses to “Dear person who broke my heart”

  1. plf1990 February 16, 2014 at 8:47 pm #

    Oh goodness. I feel just like this.

    • aprileb February 16, 2014 at 8:52 pm #

      Well, it’s got to keep on getting just a little easier for us. Right? x

      • plf1990 February 16, 2014 at 8:54 pm #

        It really can only go up!! My ex just doesn’t seem to care at all. It’s so hard. But then I think, maybe it’s not me who is in the wrong – it is totally normal to be feeling and to be grieving. He is the weird one, not me.

        Your healing journey is inspirational to me.

  2. luciddream85 February 17, 2014 at 12:09 am #

    Have you gone back and read how destroyed you were in the beginning? I remember that first post that I read. I remember it ripping my heart out for you. Look at you now. You’re a hell of a lot stronger. These men, they break us in ways that we can’t quite be fixed ….. but the point is, we keep trying to find our happiness. One day, we’ll have it. We deserve that much at least.

    • aprileb February 17, 2014 at 8:45 am #

      Oh I know. I’ve come a long way, and it can only get better still. I wouldn’t have made it without my WP buddies’ support x

  3. thewholeheartedblog February 17, 2014 at 6:59 am #

    It really is starting to get creepy how we are on the same wavelength of things. Literally to the T. I have that same thought, dear.

    • aprileb February 17, 2014 at 8:46 am #

      Glad to be in such good company. I was thinking about you yesterday. Hope you are ok x

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