I thought about you last night

11 Dec

I thought about you last night.

I didn’t think of the hurt, or the pain, or why this happened. As I was walking home in the dark with my breath making clouds in the cold, I just thought how nice it would be to be going home to you. To a cuddle. And your smell. Peanutbutter on toast. And climbing into bed together, feeling safe and warm and happy. 

It still hurts my heart to think of you.

Maybe you’re doing all those things with someone else now. Maybe you miss me. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you think of me sometimes, but know that you made the right decision. Maybe you know you made a mistake, but you’re too proud to say. 

You made me the happiest that I’ve ever been.

You made me the saddest that I’ve ever been. 

You made me excited to be alive.

You made me think it would be easier to be dead.

The memories turn to regrets. But the pain doesn’t go anywhere. The humiliation burns just as fiercely. The heartache echoes around my entire body.

I wish this was over.

I thought about you last night.   

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14 Responses to “I thought about you last night”

  1. intothebeauty December 11, 2013 at 2:28 pm #

    I think one of the most important things I’ve realized from talking to people who have been through similar situations is the hurt is always there. Even when you move on and find someone new who you truly do love, your heart is always going to feel that little sting when you think about him. That just shows how much you truly loved him you know? As weird as it sounds, it’s a beautiful thing to love that deeply for someone. You’ll never forget him, April. The hurt will just dull and lessen but the scar will always be there.

    Sometimes I wonder if it’s childish or pathetic that I don’t think I could ever see my ex again. Even with being in a new relationship. I think it takes more than 9 months to stop loving someone which is why I’m taking this new thing slow because I’m still healing and learning to trust again.

    OH MEN. Why weren’t we warned enough as children? haha

    • aprileb December 11, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

      So funny, I was feeling really down so I actually just went back to a post you wrote in September that I remembered – when you wrote about your break up. And I was reading it as your comment popped up.

      I tell myself every day that I am OK, that this happened for a reason, that I am better off for this. But when I think of going home to give him a hug… ahhhh. I want it.

      And yet I felt so loved when I was with him, when he was never even in love with me. So what I’m missing is/was fantasy.

      Weird time, my buddy. Werid times.

      I’m seeing B on friday and I feel guilty for seeing him when I still get these waves of sadness over the ex.
      x

      • jadedwildcat December 11, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

        The regret you feel when you’re out with B is similar to how I feel when I’m hanging out with M. In my case, M has been in my life since as far back as February but… it just takes awhile, you know? It takes a good while to adjust to someone else being the one making you laugh, or even just being at your side. It’s insane how attached we can become to someone, how accustomed we can grow to someone’s presence …
        Not to bring up anything triggering but…do you ever get scared that you’ll catch a glimpse of him with a new woman?
        God, I think I fear that all the time, even though it’d be so hypocritical of me (in my situation) to be upset about that. What you wrote about if they might be doing all those things with someone else, gahh… why is this so painful? 😦

      • aprileb December 11, 2013 at 4:04 pm #

        Oh yeah, I worry about that all the time. There are so many bars I can’t go to anymore! I know he’ll be dating other people. Even though I am too, it seems unfair.

        I think it’s so painful because none of us want to think we are replaceable. x

      • intothebeauty December 11, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

        That’s definitely what you’re missing-the relationship itself. I’m over my ex, but I definitely miss the love I thought we had. When he told me that night that he didn’t love me anymore, it broke my heart. But I’m also glad I didn’t have to endure a loveless relationship. Having him tell me he didn’t love me was a reality slap, but in a good way because that’s all I think about when I feel like I miss him. “He doesn’t love you, Lara.”

        Don’t worry about feeling guilty for seeing B while being sad. I get the same way sometimes. Like having a dream about my ex and then going to see The Drummer the next day. Sometimes our lives are going to overlap. Doesn’t mean we shouldn’t move on. xo

      • aprileb December 11, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

        I do that too. I tell myself, “He was never in love with you. He doesn’t love you. He made you sad.” It helps, kind of.

        So tonight is the office christmas party for my new work. I’m kind of nervous because I don’t really know people that well yet, but it should be fun.

        And guess what we’re eating…

        Pizza.

        It might be time to move on x

      • intothebeauty December 11, 2013 at 6:34 pm #

        Get out! Oh my God. Pizza.

        If you get through tonight, then you have made it over the biggest hurdle of this year.

        I think you can do it. There’s only 3 more weeks left of 2013. End it off on top and let the New Year bring a fresh start. Good luck! x

      • aprileb December 12, 2013 at 10:07 am #

        Got through the party. Didn’t eat the pizza. I actually ended up staying til the very end, and it was fun.

        I am so tired and ready for the weekend!

      • intothebeauty December 12, 2013 at 2:46 pm #

        Ahh yay! Glad you made it. That stinks that you couldn’t eat pizza. It’s my favorite food-I don’t know what I’d do!

        However, my ex dumped me on the way home from Ruby Tuesdays. I’ll NEVER eat there again. Why do men think it’s okay to let us eat before they do shit like that? I swear I almost threw up on the way home. I was like, “Really? Dinner? Was that necessary?”

      • aprileb December 12, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

        I know, i know. I have an even worse story: a friend who’s psycho ex came over to her flat, broke up with her, then (as she sat crying) said, “I’m a bit hungry, do you mind if I order some takeaway before I go home?”.

        Seriously. Seriously.

        Yes, I read your post again yesterday re your breakup and I was thinking, “Why go for dinner first?” and, “How do they even physically digest at a time like that?”

        Assholes.

      • intothebeauty December 12, 2013 at 2:57 pm #

        Oh my gosh, I know! I didn’t know he was going to break up with me at dinner but I could tell something was totally off. He looked like he was sick to his stomach. And here I am, mowing on chicken and vegetables and drinking whiskey thinking this was just another dinner. Haha I have to laugh about it now because it’s all I can do now. I legit looked at him and said “SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY.”

        Maybe I should have a disclaimer upon dating saying, “If you’re going to break up with me, please don’t do it while eating my favorite foods. Spare me.”

    • jadedwildcat December 11, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

      I once heard that it takes about half the time that you were with someone to get over them – although hopefully that isn’t true, since I’d have six years of misery to contend with!
      Just had to say that I agree with you, that in my case if the break is indeed forever, I don’t think I could ever see my ex again either. Not sure if you meant because it’d be too painful but that’s how it feels for me. It struck a chord what you wrote about how it’s actually a beautiful thing to love someone so deeply and I just had to say that you’re probably right, but maybe it just takes awhile for that to sink in, and for gratitude to take the place of pain and regret.

      • intothebeauty December 11, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

        That’s what I’ve heard too! I definitely think that everyone is different, but it sounds about right. And yes, I definitely couldn’t see my ex because I feel like it would be way too painful. Maybe it’s because the cut is still sort of new. Who knows. Maybe in a few years it will be a distant memory. All I know is, before I loved someone I didn’t know breakups were this devastating. I had no idea they were life changing or anything. I know deep down inside I respect my old relationship and glad that it happened, but that shit is so deep I haven’t quite found it yet haha

  2. Forlorn Hope December 13, 2013 at 3:22 am #

    It is the little things that we miss: the smell, the touch, the sound of the voice on the telephone… I just parked my car near my flat and I wish I could call her and talk to her about nothing, everything. I wish we were back in the days when we would just be glad to hear each other’s voice or feel the other’s proximity physical and emotional.
    Like the wistful notes of Kaki King’s music, those thoughts swarm around my brain and worry my mind. For the large part I have been able to move on emotionally. But intothebeauty is right: that pain and that love never really go away. They remain a part of us, a part of our lives forever and ever. Almost like in the fairytales. We either learn to live with them or we do not. Luckily, I think there is hope for us yet. 🙂

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