Trying to be happy for everyone else

8 Dec

Last night was fun. Always good to catch up with friends from university. We laughed a lot. I had just a couple of moments when I really struggled to hold it together.

All three of the friends I was with have got married this year. One of them is pregnant. The other two will follow soon, I’m sure.

So, it’s inevitable that there’s a lot of wedding and baby chat. I don’t mind. It’s not boring. None of them turned into bridezillas. I’m genuinely happy for them.

But it does seem unfair. Especially when I thought I had finally met my person. When I thought everything was falling into place for me. At last.

And when they ask me about work, because they don’t know what else to ask me about, I can’t help but feel the lump in my throat. I talk a little too much about not knowing whether I want to stay in marketing. I sound a little too scattered when I mention travelling, or going freelance, or trying something new. I look a little too sad when I laugh about how I have nobody to look after but myself.

What I mean is that I have nobody to look after me. That I’m searching for something – anything – to make me happy. And my future scares me because I really don’t want to go through it alone.

Last night we were also talking about parties. I said if I’m still not married when I turn 40 I’m going to throw myself a massive party. We discussed how I should get a completely over-the-top dress, and hold it at a fancy hotel, and have a gift list in Topshop. It sounded fantastic.

Then I went to the bathroom, and cried.

6 Responses to “Trying to be happy for everyone else”

  1. jadedwildcat December 8, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

    Aawwww =( *Super hugs*
    Hey, I totally get how you feel – I really do. The thing is, I’m wondering if maybe you need to UNfocus a bit on the ideas of marriage and being with someone just because it’s been drilled into your brain that you’re SUPPOSED TO? (and everyone around you is ‘there’ when you’re not). That kind of pressure can make it seem worse than it actually should be.
    I mean don’t get me wrong; you obviously are very independent and have done so much traveling and hard work on your own but – sometimes even for myself, I wonder if I’d feel AS bad, sad and lonesome if society hadn’t taught me that I’m just SUPPOSED to have someone and get married and have kids by a certain age??
    If no one said it was the ‘norm’ maybe it wouldn’t feel as bad… I dunno.
    But I for one think you lead a really amazing and exciting-sounding life and career – you’ve got a lot going for you. Have you thought about perhaps getting a pet or something else to invest your time (and love) into? Just a thought… x Hang in there.

    • aprileb December 8, 2013 at 8:26 pm #

      Hey, buddy. Thanks for the comments. And the kind words re my life. It doesn’t feel very amazing or exciting!

      I think what I’m realising is (though I get frustrated with society celebrating marriage and babies over everything else), society ain’t driving my feelings. I’m not really one to be swayed by that stuff. I want someone. The marriage and babies bit is secondary. I want someone to go through life with. It’s a really interesting point you raise, though. I’m going to write a post about it this week sometime.

      Hope all is going OK with you. And thank you thank you for the support! x

  2. elizabethhiggins December 8, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

    It kind of stinks looking at everyone moving on while we are left behind, I really get it. Maybe that just means we have someone extra special waiting for us.

    • aprileb December 8, 2013 at 10:49 pm #

      I hope so. Watched ‘Love Actually’ today and cried my eyes out. X

    • aprileb December 9, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

      P.S. I have an idea, my fellow Christmas-loving buddy. Having read your blog entry about Christmas, and trying not to be a Grinch myself, and with a sneaking suspicion that we have very similar DVD collections. How do you fancy every few days (or weekend or whatever works) picking a Christmas movie? We can both watch it on the same day and share the Christmas joy, thought we don’t have other halves to share it with. We can light holiday-themed candles and drink coffee on our opposite sides of the Atlantic, and have our own little Christmas experience? Hmmmm. In fact I might open this up to other blogger buddies too. It’s nice not to feel alone at Christmas x

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