The Noodle Doodle, SWB, and The Ex

23 Nov

Today I was thinking about all my exes. And it dawned on me that the only guys I have been really, really into have all been very similar. What’s more, they all rejected me. There were other guys along the way, but the three that stick in my mind and who I still long for are The Noodle Doodle, SWB, and my current ex.

The Noodle Doodle was much ado about nothing, really. Not even properly an ex. When I was working in New York (nearly five years ago which makes me feel very old), I got an email on a UK dating site from this guy who seemed just perfect. Tall, handsome, a lawyer, loved dogs, played the guitar, lived near me in London. I was only going to be in New York for three months so… We started emailing every day, talking on msn every day, we started talking on the phone. I was in love.

He told me everything I wanted to hear. I couldn’t wait to get back to London and finally meet him. Which I did, a few days after arriving back in the UK. Our first date was fabulous. We kissed a lot. We arranged to go out again that Saturday. On the Saturday he stood me up. A week later his best friend came with us on our second date. Which was weird. I went back to his that night (The Noodle Doodle, not the best friend), and there was a lot of kissing and touching, but no sex. When I left the next morning I just knew I was never going to see him again. And, indeed, he stopped replying to emails, texts, etc. Yup, he had just been using me. But he was so intelligent, so sexually grrrrrrr, so confident.

Why was The Noodle Doodle called The Noodle Doodle? Long story involving his last name and the fact that he sent me a picture of his penis for my birthday. Charming. I know.

Then there was SWB. The Secret Work Boyfriend. We had worked together for a couple of years. I always fancied him, but he was in a long-term relationship. Until he wasn’t. He accidentally saw a text I had sent my friend which alluded to the fact I liked him, and he called and asked me out.

On our first date he was so shy. We both drank about sixteen vodkas before finally agreeing that we were rubbish at this and just getting on with all the kissing. But over the next three months, as I grew more and more into him, I felt him losing interest. He got frustrated with my opinions on things. He didn’t want anyone at work to know about our relationship. Finally, I had to ask if he wanted to break up with me after he ignored me for a week. We worked about ten steps from one another. It was kind of awkward.

I was so upset. It was right before Christmas! And he was so intelligent, so sexually grrrrrrr, so confident.

And then my current ex. Again, so intelligent, so sexually grrrrrr, so confident.

These are the guys I lose my mind over. These are the guys I am drawn to. So, I’m kind of screwed, because these guys are all not just confident: they’re arrogant. They send photos of their penises, ignore you in an office of thirty people, and eat pizza before ending the relationship you thought was going to lead to marriage.

Next time around I’ll take intelligent and sexually grrrrrr without the side order of arrogance.

And a little warning would be great before opening pornographic images on my work computer.

8 Responses to “The Noodle Doodle, SWB, and The Ex”

  1. luciddream85 November 24, 2013 at 2:15 am #

    Isn’t it amazing how we always seem to attract a ‘type’ … Ugh.

  2. jadedwildcat November 24, 2013 at 6:44 am #

    The type that you attract seems a LOT better than the sort I attract… which is usually sexually grrrrrr, intelligent but also insecure, self-sabotaging and mentally unstable =\

  3. jadedwildcat November 24, 2013 at 6:45 am #

    Also, just curious… how did you know after that second date that you weren’t going to see the Noodle Doodle guy anymore? Did you mean that YOU didn’t want to see him again or that you could sense something off about him? I’m assuming it’s the latter but you didn’t really specify.

    P.S. that’s kind of messed up about the penis pictures, wtf?

    • aprileb November 25, 2013 at 5:02 pm #

      After the second date I just knew something weird was going on with him. I remember he walked me to the bus stop in the morning and I said, “Oh you don’t need to wait with me.” But obviously hoping that he would. He was all, “Great. I’ll get off then.” and left me there.

      Something I have learned recently is to trust your instincts. They are rarely wrong.

  4. Forlorn Hope November 25, 2013 at 4:56 pm #

    Hmm… Kinda makes me think about my pattern: psycho, undecided psycho, psycho, cold psycho b*tch… I’m thinking I’m going to have to change not one but ALL of the selection criteria. :-/

    • aprileb November 25, 2013 at 4:59 pm #

      But you know what? My ex before the ex was the opposite of the others. Insecure, not arrogant. And he was the worst of them all. It’s funny how everyone has a pattern, though.


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