Moving on (in baby steps)

22 Nov

I fly home tomorrow night.

I’m not sure what to make of this holiday. In the end, it was relaxing. But it also gave me a lot of time with my own thoughts. Too much, maybe. Or maybe just enough to start to process things.

The hurt still feels like a burn right through me. I still miss him. But, for goodness sakes, it’s been nearly four months. There must be an end in sight.

Meanwhile, I will confess to you, my blogger buddies, that I have been chatting to someone from eharmony.

Although I haven’t been “using” the site, I was checking up on who had checked me out every day. This was – blatantly – for a little ego boost. Anyway, this guy emailed me, let’s call him B. And he seemed really nice. Like, really nice.

We messaged back and forth a few times. At the start of my holiday when I felt super down, I didn’t respond for a few days. This was following an mail from him in which he teased me about being Scottish. I did not mind the teasing. I would rather not be Scottish.

Anyway, after I didn’t respond, he emailed apologising for being offensive about Scottish people. Which I thought was kind of charming, and I replied. Now he has asked if I want to meet up next week.

Next week is actually crazy busy with seeing friends, counsellor, pilates, so I’m going to suggest the week after.

Am I crazy? Is this a disaster waiting to happen?

I keep reminding myself that in my lifetime I have been on maybe sixty online dates and only two of them turned into second dates – one of which was the ex, the other was The Noodle Doodle (more about him another time).

I also keep reminding myself that I cry a lot these days.

17 Responses to “Moving on (in baby steps)”

  1. elizabethhiggins November 22, 2013 at 9:05 pm #

    Even if it’s just a friendship, friends are nice too. Baby steps are good, and I think that this is a really positive step 🙂

    • aprileb November 23, 2013 at 3:47 am #

      Thank you, lovely. I am not thinking this guy is going to replace him, equally I do like the sound of him and would never use anyone as a rebound (I’ve been a rebound myself). It just puts distance between me and the ex. I need the distance. X

  2. thegirlintheredhighheels November 22, 2013 at 9:12 pm #

    you go girl! a day without tears is a good day – i hope he makes you smile!

  3. jadedwildcat November 22, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

    Four months is quite awhile yes… but if you are still crying so much and missing him, it might be too soon to think of dating. It is not a pleasant thing to be with someone new but still constantly thinking and remembering your ex (I would know…) =( Also wouldn’t be fair to the new guy but… I suppose if it did just turn into a new friendship yeah, that wouldn’t be so bad.
    Also, SIXTY online dates!??!?! That’s a crazy huge number, gal – wow. That’s actually pretty good that you could find so many guys that you seem to hit it off with at least long enough to meet up! I feel it would be so exhausting to have that many… =O Go you.

    • aprileb November 23, 2013 at 3:50 am #

      I would like to add that those dates are over the course of about ten years! So not tooooooo exhausting.

      You after cight, of course it would feel awful to be out with someone and thinking about my ex. But I guess it’s going to happen sooner or later. I would never use anyone. I genuinely think I could like him. If I don’t, I won’t keep things going. And, hey, he might not like me. Apparently I’m very hard to love!

      Hope you are doing well x

      • plf1990 November 23, 2013 at 10:07 am #

        You are not hard to love.

  4. foodfortoomuchthought November 23, 2013 at 12:01 am #

    Do it. Making yourself look nice and chatting to someone that knows nothing about what’s going on cant be a bad thing. It’s almost an element of “fake it until you make it”, even if you say goodbye to B and go home to your bed and cry, you’ve done something positive. Something for you.

    I look forward to meeting new people, I know I deserve to find the bet and e treated like a princess. I’m not ready yet but when it’s closer to 4 months than 4 weeks I’d certainly consider taking the path you’re considering.

    • aprileb November 23, 2013 at 3:46 am #

      Thank you. I think that’s what I’m feeling. Even if I go home and cry cry cry. I’m moving on. I have to do that. I deliberately haven’t even got into communication with anyone else on the site, but he just seems so nice.

      I think when I was a t four weeks I could not even consider ever ever being with anyone else. I’m sure you feel that way now. Four months, well, I know I will compare everyone to him, but I want there to be someone else in my future. I really do.

      I’ve been so sad for so long now. x

  5. plf1990 November 23, 2013 at 10:08 am #

    Go out, dress up, have fun. It doesn’t have to be anything serious. Enjoy 🙂

  6. luciddream85 November 23, 2013 at 4:14 pm #

    You won’t ever know until you try. Most of mine have turned into disaster dates … But there is one in particular that I keep bringing my head back to. So who knows? You gotta get out there. What else do you have to do anyway?

  7. Forlorn Hope November 23, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

    Here’s a thing about going out on a date under these circumstances, as based on my own experience. You need to be able to fake enjoying yourself. I’ve been on three first dates in the last four months. I almost cried during the first one. I almost cried during the second one. On the third first date I was really hungry and we went to a bistro so the endorphins from eating the food made me feel OK. I hope yours will go well. You are due for something good and you deserve it. 🙂

    • aprileb November 23, 2013 at 11:09 pm #

      I think that’s a good way to think about it. There’s every chance I will have to try really hard not to cry. And then go home and cry. But I have to at least try and move on.

      Good for you for going on three dates.

      If our exes can move on then why should we be paralysed by the pain?

  8. Farmer Farthing November 24, 2013 at 10:50 am #

    I just wanted to say hello. I’ve been reading your posts for a while now and liking them but avoiding commenting. Like you, my ex left me four months ago, and like you, I’m not ‘there’ yet.

    Sadly, I can’t write about mine on here as he’s followed me and pretty much reads everything I write (I think he’s terrified I’m going to write about him for all the world to see lol Which would actually serve him right if I did considering the appalling way in which he behaved during our relationship.)

    Anyway, I’ve also been unceremoniously dumped quite a few times. We as women, have a terrible habit of turning it around on ourselves, we ask questions like “What did I do wrong?” and make statements about ourselves like “I must be unlovable”.

    The truth is, it is them that have the problem and not us. The one problem we DO have however, is the inability to love ourselves. To appreciate ourselves. And to value ourselves.

    Which is why I’ve decided to be celibate for a year and give myself chance to learn to love me for me, first.

    I too used to be like you and after being hurt, I would force myself back out there. But, for me at least, it never really worked as I need to go through that grieving process first, however long it might take me.

    I realise we’re all different and I really hope you have a fantastic time on your date. But if you don’t it’s OK. Give yourself permission to feel this way for now and know that it won’t always feel so s**t!

    You ARE worth it and never stop believing that. Learn to love yourself first.

    Much love Sam x

    • aprileb November 24, 2013 at 8:39 pm #

      Hi Sam

      Nice to hear from you and thanks for your support and words of wisdom – I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

      I’m sorry to hear that you too are going through the whole heartbreak thing. It always feels better to hear that there are more people like me. Although, obviously, I’d rather none of us had to go through this.

      It’s interesting, isn’t it, how we react to these situations? With my last break up I was totally the same as you. I decided to not go anywhere near men for a long time. I said no to dates, I really was so happy in myself at that time. That was when I broke up with someone who, really, wasn’t very nice to me in the end.

      This time I just feel I need to move on. He’s left such a gaping, sore hole. I miss him so much. But he doesn’t feel the same. So rather than keep going over and over and over stuff with him, I feel I need to move on. Also, I am not getting any younger.

      But you are 100% right that the most important thing is to love yourself. Honestly, I think I’m a great person. Which makes it all the more confusing to me as to why he wouldn’t want to be with me.

      Anyway, I hope you are doing OK and enjoying embracing your singleness. I am so sorry to hear you’ve had a rubbish few months too. And it’s kind of weird that your ex is following your blog? Mine doesn’t know anything about mine. Although I wouldn’t mind him finding out just how painful this has been for me.

      Hope you had a good weekend and thank you for getting in touch. x

  9. Forlorn Hope November 25, 2013 at 5:08 pm #

    Three ddays later and I keep thinking about what something you said in this post. Why would you rather not be Scottish? I admit, I have something of a Celtic fetish (not the bad kind – I just really like all things Irish and Scottish: the language (both Irish Gaelic and Scottish Gaelic that I would like to learn one day), the history, the culture, the music, the whisky (McCallan 18 years, please), the ale, etc.). One of my current best friends is a Scottish lad named Darren. All I’m saying is, since you live in London, slather on the Scottish real thick. Slàinte! 😉

    • aprileb November 28, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

      Ha. Well, thank you! I just find that Scottish people tend to have a big chip on their shoulders about things. Massive generalisation. I am from Glasgow, so… Glaswegians are a different breed altogether.

      Nobody even thinks I’m from Scotland. I have a weird mid-Atlantic accent. It only gets strong when I go home/get drunk/get really angry.

      But since someone told me I look like a Celtic Princess, maybe I should embrace it a little more?


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