And you can have this heart to break

20 Nov

If something good has come from the pizza of doom (other than the weight loss and new appreciation for fantastically depressing music) it’s you, my blogger buddies.

I check WordPress several times a day. Sometimes your stories make me smile. Sometimes they make me sad. And sometimes I get mad as hell at some of the things your exes have done to you. I’m pretty loyal. Your exes appall me.

But, despite this, I do understand.

There are things my ex did that, looking back, I’m ashamed that I put up with. Being told it would be “healthier for our relationship” if we had no contact whenever I had PMS. Not great. Being told off for getting grass on his hardwood floors, when he had already trampled paint into my white carpets. Grrrrr. Being told he was, “never in love” with me. Ouch. The fact that he ate that f***ing pizza. Despite all this, I still love him and think about him all the time. I long for him. I miss him. I don’t know how to move on from him.

The dude who eats a pizza before breaking my heart.

Yes, that dude.

It’s something my counsellor brought up with me. That I was so in love with him, he could have done anything. I made myself completely vulnerable.

There’s a line in an old Billy Joel song, “And you can have this heart to break”.

My heart was his.

But does this make me stupid or weak or silly or naive? No. It does not. I got unlucky. I shouldn’t have trusted him. But, to make a relationship work, I think you have to give your all. To make it worthwhile you certainly do. You have to give your heart. Yes, the risk is there, but so is the promise.

I know that I feel things wildly. I’ve done Myers Briggs and other personality tests. I come out with a crazy tendency towards ‘feeling’. But that’s what will make me the best thing to ever happen to someone. One day.

So, to all you lovely people who have been through sh**, put up with sh**, been treated like sh**, and are still head-over-heels for the person dispensing the sh**, I get it. I’ll keep on feeling mad on your behalf, but I get it.

Because I still love him.

Even after he ate the pizza.

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7 Responses to “And you can have this heart to break”

  1. thewholeheartedblog November 21, 2013 at 4:45 am #

    Crazy, my therapist and I just talked about the vulnerability thing today. Pretty much exactly what you said. In the end we will be better and wiser people for being able to be vulnerable, so says my therapist and myself actually.

    I look forward to your blogs everyday, I also check WordPress quite frequently for comments or posts too! Definitely makes my day to hear from you!

  2. newfallday November 21, 2013 at 5:46 am #

    To this day, I still think and care about Mr. Charm. There are people that I’m not friends with anymore (ex-friends), because they were terrible people and mean to me, but a part of me STILL CARES ABOUT THEM to this day… years later. Frankly, I think it’s a wonderful trait to have. You gave your all with your pizza of doom asshole and you truly care about him. You’re hurting now because it was all very real for you, and that’s the way it should’ve been. You put yourself in a vulnerable position to get hurt because you thought it was worth it. He fucked up, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m sorry it has been taking you so long to really move on with your life, but you are 100% on the right path. Hope you’re well!

  3. jadedwildcat November 21, 2013 at 8:58 am #

    I think a lot of us on here, who’ve had really horrible things done to us by our guys just… never knew where to draw the line, or felt that love kind of trumped any and all notions of boundaries. I myself had to listen to both my Mom and Besty yesterday telling me that they just couldn’t believe the things I had put up with for years, and that I “still took him back”?!?!?!?!
    The bewilderment in peoples’ voices still tends to shock me because… to me at least, I just loved him so damned much. I was unhealthily dependent on him sure, I do know that now but… I also did make an active effort to try and at least be understanding of why he did the things he did. I rationalized and justified and excused everything…
    At the time it seemed like the best thing to do, considering neither of us ever wanted to part ways. But what people are telling me now is that to do that with someone… to excuse their every move just gives them this idea (whether they realize it or not) that they can pretty much do whatever they want to you now, and not have to worry about being kicked to the curb.

    Anyway, yeah that whole PMS thing? Not cool! Reminds me of ME always sending H home on Saturday nights simply because I knew how intolerable his behaviour was on Sunday mornings when he’d sleep in, refuse to get up or talk or smile and would just generally make me feel like crap for even wanting him around. I’d send him home just to avoid it and that wasn’t really doing anything except perpetuating the problem and lettiing him think he could go on being awful like that and never try to fix it!

    I’m glad you are thankful for your WP buddies – I definitely am, and I have no friggin’ clue how I’d have come this far without all of you. Sad posts or no sad posts… x

  4. intothebeauty November 21, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

    Isn’t it crazy how you can start thinking of all the things that were so negative about the relationship? When you’re in love, you hold your SO on the highest of pedestals. They can do no wrong. But then after the breakup you sit there and think “Wow. He was kind of mean, wasn’t he?” My ex would give me a dirty look if I ordered something unhealthy at a restaurant. It made me so uncomfortable since I was working out all the time and taking care of my body anyways. You’re really going to be mad at what I’m eating?

    Sometimes, even just for moments, those freedoms feel good.

    • aprileb November 21, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

      Oh I hear you on that one, Lara. This one time, when my ex was living in my flat, he bought a bag of gummy bears. Now, I love sugar. But I look after my health. The gummy bears lasted about a week. It wasn’t a huge bag. Every day I’d have a few, leaving all the yellows because they taste horrible. At the end of the week he said, “oh dear, we just shouldn’t buy this stuff. It’s really not good for you.”

      Yeah, it’s not great for you drinking beer either. But you do that.

      When he was living in New York and I went to visit what do you think he asked me to bring him? A few bags of his favourite gummy candy. Being the perfect girlfriend, I also brought him three bottles of his favourite craft beer.

      I’m not going to lie, this morning I went for a swim, had a coffee, then ate three extra sour sour patch kids.

      • intothebeauty November 21, 2013 at 2:06 pm #

        Haha! Yesss! Girl, you eat those candies! I spent a week after my breakup eating everything I couldn’t eat during my relationship LOL It felt fabulous!

  5. luciddream85 November 21, 2013 at 5:08 pm #

    It’s why people in abusive relationships stay. Because despite it all, they love the person they are with. You’re right; you’re willing to put up with anything. It just amazes me. Why is it that it seems like it’s always the women that get the brunt end of the deal?

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