Just existing

4 Nov

I’m really not looking forward to Christmas.

This is quite a statement. Usually by November I have my Christmas DVDs lined up ready to watch. I always buy my tree on the 1st of December and decorate with the bags and bags of Christmas magic I keep in my storage cupboard for the other eleven months of the year. Usually, it’s my favourite.

This year, I just can’t be bothered.

The thought of starting a new year is even more depressing.

I am looking forward to my holiday next week. A lot. But after that, well, it doesn’t really feel like there’s any point to anything. I’ve already done three months of being miserable. It’s. So. Tiring.

During the week I wish away the hours and days until the weekend. At the weekend I just try to fill the time until I go back to work – cinema, nails, running, gym, sitting in coffee shops to avoid sitting in my own living room. I see my friends and I do have fun, but underneath I’m always desperately sad.

It’s almost like I don’t feel things properly anymore (apart from the sadness). I try to get excited. And, believe me, I’ll still be up at the crack of dawn on the 1st of December to walk up the road to the Christmas tree place, pick my piney amigo and carry it home (no small feat for someone who is 5ft 1). But even thinking about it is such an effort.

I feel like I’m just existing.

And it’s boring.

8 Responses to “Just existing”

  1. mick1982 November 4, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

    I know what you mean. It’s really tough dealing with all this but you are getting through it. I’m worried about what I’m going to do on New Year’s because I don’t want to be that sad loser doing nothing.

    • aprileb November 4, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

      Me too! I don’t have enough time off work to go to Scotland, but none of my friends will really be about in London. I think I’m going to have a night in but try to make it nice for myself. Cook myself something nice. Watch a movie. Ahhh, it all makes me sound like such a loser. And Christmas I will be with family which is nice, of course, but at my sister’s with her kids and the grandparents on both sides. I feel like a spare part. I’m 31. I feel like I should have more going on in life.

      I’m trying to think that next year will be better. I’m sure it will be amazing for you too!

      Thanks for the support. It really does help to know I’m not alone.

      • aprileb November 4, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

        P.S. One New Year (the year after I left university) I was living at my parents’ house and had no friends nearby. My parents were out at a party. I had been working like crazy and stayed in to watch a movie alone. As the clock hit 12 I was actually cleaning up cat sh** as our elderly family cat had major stomach problems. My Dad got home that night and told me, “The way you spend New Year is the way you’ll spend the rest of the year!”. It turned out the next year was great. I moved to London, got my first proper job in marketing (which I’d always wanted to do). I guess dealing with clients can be a little like cleaning up cat sh** at times, but the point is New Year is just another night.

      • mick1982 November 4, 2013 at 4:36 pm #

        I feel like a spare part too! It’s like everyone just goes on living their lives and I’m just hanging around looking for someone to hang out with. Ur welcome for the support…it always helps and I appreciate the similarities in our sagas:)

  2. luciddream85 November 4, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

    I think once we all get through the holiday’s, we will be better off. It’s hard having to celebrate something by yourself. Once the first of the year rolls around, everyone is ready to start over with something. Might as well start over with your life.

  3. intothebeauty November 4, 2013 at 6:18 pm #

    Yeah, I totally feel you too girl. The first holidays are going to be the worst. I have them all in a row- Christmas, New Years, our ex-anniversary, and then valentines day. Ugh. Better roll me out some whiskey eggnog to get me through the winter.

    • aprileb November 4, 2013 at 7:00 pm #

      True story, guys. True story. And – as ever – good to know I’m not the only one. Just think what an amazing time we’ll have next year.

      It’s funny, when I first spoke to a counsellor back in August she asked me if I was worried about Christmas and I was like, “Errr, no, I’ll be fine by Christmas.” Ha! I had no idea just how awful this was going to be.

      I like the idea of starting life afresh in 2014. I’m going to keep thinking that way. Lots of love x

  4. thewholeheartedblog November 5, 2013 at 5:35 am #

    Crazy, I was just thinking about this in bed last night and will be blogging about it also. I also talked to a friend about the holidays yesterday. I realized this will be the first holiday/winter season I will be single in the last 7 years. Terrifying thought honestly. You are not alone my dear. I feel like I am also going through the motions every day, coffee and my dog are the only things getting me through it. After realizing this a few days ago I decided that each day, at the end of the day, think about what progress I made or what I can do to better myself. Although, it is a roller coaster I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel for the both of us and we will soon enjoy every day life!

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