Three months since the break up

3 Nov

Three months, my friends. It is totes offish three months since the pizza of doom. Whenever I think of that night, it gets hard to breathe.  I feel so embarrassed for myself. So humiliated. So desperately sad for the girl cleaning her flat, shaving her legs, and getting cocktails ready for her boyfriend coming back from working abroad.

I’m also pissed off that I paid for the pizza.

My friend Kate came and stayed with me that night. I didn’t sleep at all. I stayed up emailing people to tell them what had happened. Goodness knows why, but it made me feel better somehow. I was desperate for anyone to respond. Then I counted down the hours until it was acceptable to phone my parents (luckily they wake up around 6am so I didn’t have to wait too long).

I was crying so hard on the phone I could hardly get my words out. And then I felt guilty about worrying them. And worse for feeling guilty. I booked a flight to Scotland. I walked around the park with Kate, then got a taxi to the airport. The whole day is a blur, but I remember the taxi driver singing along to reggae music.  And I remember downing two vodkas on the plane.

Everything tells me that this was probably the worst day of my life. But, honestly, I can’t remember that much of it.

I would never have expected to still feel this bad three months later. Yesterday my entire day revolved around getting my nails done. I cried all morning and all evening, and went to bed rereading ‘It’s Called A Breakup Because It’s Broken’ for the seventh time.

I was starting to worry about all this crying. It’s like being trapped. Forced to replay the same memories over and over and over and over. And I don’t know how I’m ever going to get over him or when I’m going to get a break from all these memories.

So I turned to Google for answers, and stumbled upon a forum of people discussing the ‘3 – 4 month post breakup’ stage. What I’m going through is not unusual at all.

Once the shock wears off, you have to face the reality that this is what life has in store for you. Every day the hope you had left that things will work out diminishes. And, however amazing your friends are, as time goes on you are less entitled to be injured.

Life goes on. Whether I’m ready or not.

I’m also realizing that I’ll never be exactly the same person again. Which is annoying because, before I met him, I was a really happy, independent, ambitious girl. I’ve started to question things. Not just whether I’m smart enough or pretty enough or at all lovable, but also the things that I believe in.

I’m not sure anymore whether I believe in marriage or lifetime love. I’m not sure I want to get married and have kids, even though it’s everything I’ve ever wanted. I can’t eat pizza anymore. Or listen to The Civil Wars. And New York is forever ruined for me.

They say a break up causes you to grieve. Genuinely grieve.

I think grief travels a wiggly line. It sets off in one direction, and twists and turns and goes back on itself. Kind of like a scribble, really. And eventually, yes – eventually – it ends up near the point of departure. ‘Near’ because you’ll never be exactly the same again.

But I’m going to get as close as I can. I don’t care how long it takes.

10 Responses to “Three months since the break up”

  1. princessdeficit November 3, 2013 at 8:12 am #

    hi. its funny how, i dont know you at all, but because i too was devastated, i can relate to all your words. when i read about your memory of that awful pizza night, i shutter with my own memory. For me it has been over 8 months, and the pain is not any less than before. just today i had another break down. It is so true when you say you will never be the same again. I too was such a happy, naive, funloving, fairytale belieiving happy end girl. But now, I question marriage, and the term FOREVER. I am broken into a million pieces, and Im not quite sure how to put myself back together. Whether he wanted it or not, I gave him my heart, and it doesn’t look like I’m getting it back. take care….xx

    • aprileb November 3, 2013 at 8:38 am #

      Thanks for the support. Although I hate that anyone else has to go through this, it is comforting to know I’m not the only one. It sounds like you’ve had a horrific eight months. I’ve been reading your posts for the past couple of months and they’re always really beautifully written and poignant. I can tell you’re a beautiful person inside. You deserve to get over this. x

      • princessdeficit November 3, 2013 at 9:30 am #

        hi aprileb,
        thank you so much for reading my blog! Sometimes I forget, people actually read my posts. I really like your blog and you are an incredible writer. Extremely, witty and yet very heartfelt. You have this sarcastic wit I really enjoy. I know you are also a beautiful person inside and out. For sure our boys never deserved us….Crazy how it doesn’t matter, Love keeps loving anyways. 🙂 Take care. I consider you a new friend. xx

      • aprileb November 3, 2013 at 9:44 am #

        That’s the best thing about blogging. I just started it to get my feelings out but I have ‘met’ so many people through it, some of whom I genuinely consider good friends now.

        I know you are a painter and musician. My job is actually as a ‘creative’ for an ad agency, I’ve always been into art and have been writing since I was a kid (I also play the violin, very BADLY!). The thing is, I think creative types like us feel things more intensely than others. Our emotions seem much more.. I don’t know… intense. I know I’m a super sensitive person. I guess that makes it harder to deal with the bad stuff.

        Anyway, likewise, I consider you a new friend. Looking forward to reading more of your posts and hopefully hearing that you feel great one day in the not too distant future. x

      • princessdeficit November 3, 2013 at 10:02 am #

        wow! we really do have a lot in common. I think I read you live in NY , I also lived in NY for one year. I was on the upper west side near riverside dr. My favorite was this cafe called cafe lalo. Have you ever been?
        Your job at an ad agency sounds so cool. Yes, I agree “artists” are usually the sensitive type, and our reactions are some how heightened because we can sense it so much more deeply. However, I must say, I was in a relationship before, and It did not affect me at all. lol. I think love is what makes you crazy, and all your friends or people around you dont understand it just means they have never really been in love. I just posted a super cute video of this adorable girl named emilia. If you need a smile today, tomorrow, or whenever, check it out…videos like this help me. xx gnite

  2. plf1990 November 3, 2013 at 10:30 am #

    I did quite a lot of work in therapy on the grief surrounding endings, before I left university (and the friends, tutors and therapists there). This blog post of mine is long winded and boring! But if you scroll down to the italics and the pictures it has some theories around the process of grief that might help you xx

    • aprileb November 3, 2013 at 10:42 am #

      Hey, thanks for point this out. I think that’s a really interesting concept. It makes sense too. So I just need to make my life bigger around the grief and it should swallow it up. I’m going to try! x

  3. luciddream85 November 3, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

    That’s the worst part about a breakup; you are never the same person afterward. It’s like they steal a piece of you that’s good, and throw it out of the window on their way home.

  4. jsrickle November 5, 2013 at 7:02 pm #

    Great article…I’ve just hit the 3 month mark myself so I know how you are feeling. You start questioning how real all the moments were, and if they truly were unique. You start to second guess, and ask is there anything such as a life time of happiness or does it all fall apart after the honeymoon. All I know is you have to stay true to who you are, and learn and grow from your mistakes and / or experiences.

    • aprileb November 5, 2013 at 7:11 pm #

      Thanks for the comment. It’s always good to know there are others going through the same thing. It’s funny, when it happened I thought, “This is the worst it will ever feel”. But, because of the shock, it wasn’t. I had months of feeling bad to come. I know I still do have months of feeling bad. But you are right, the most important thing is to learn and grow from this. Get stronger. Get better. I hope you’re doing OK. thank you for reading!

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