My experience of my relationship

25 Oct

Something is on my mind.

I would like it to f*** off elsewhere, but it won’t leave, so I’ll blog about it instead.

All this talk with my counsellor about communicating with him has brought a lot of stuff to the surface. Hurtful stuff. Stuff that I think about on the bus when I’d rather be daydreaming. Stuff that distracts me at work. Stuff that has (rudely) started to ruin my enjoyment of my Ally McBeal boxset.

When the ex and I spoke on the phone, five weeks after the pizza of doom, he kept telling me that I should feel lucky that I had been in such a lovely relationship.

Lucky.

Yes, you heard me right. I should feel lucky.

Hmph.

Lucky is not my experience of this. My experience is that I was in a relationship with someone who was never in love with me. Every memory is mutated by this. My experience is painful and humiliating. My takeaway from this relationship is that I won’t trust people in the future. I will never treat anyone as nicely because it gets you nowhere. People just take advantage of niceness (and they don’t appreciate notes with hand-drawn pictures of cats and other fantastic creatures, apparently).

I feel like I wasn’t good enough. I feel stupid.

And, twelve weeks later, I still cry nearly every day.

Really. F***ing. Lucky.

(Excuse my language today, I’m terribly upset and tired).

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10 Responses to “My experience of my relationship”

  1. love October 25, 2013 at 1:29 pm #

    Well he sounds like a scumbag. And you sound like you have writing skills and honesty and a desire to communicate, things he’s probably lacking. He’s the lucky one to have known you. Sending empathy.

    • aprileb October 25, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

      Thank you. Oh yeah, he was lucky. I just wasn’t. Which makes me mad. Grrrrr.

  2. annemariehro October 25, 2013 at 1:32 pm #

    I get your point. Actually, for good and for bad, this kind of experiences are always good for us. Not saying that you should feel lucky (you can tell him to go to hell) but you need to try and see the good part out of it. Now you have a more clear vision of what you want and what you don’t to bring to life again. I am just listening to a Song from Demi Lovato, “Without the Love” Great one. See ya sweetpie!

    • aprileb October 25, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

      I’m going to listen to this song right now! Thanks, Anne. x

    • annemariehro October 25, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

      Wait… I should be recommending you to listen to “What doesn’t kill you” – Kelly Clarkson instead ^//_//^

  3. Aussa Lorens October 25, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

    What an ass. Google “narcissist” and you’ll be able to read all about his personality type. Guys like him are (sadly) common and they’re just bottom feeders.

    • aprileb October 25, 2013 at 1:37 pm #

      THAT, my friend, is an excellent description x

  4. jadedwildcat October 25, 2013 at 2:13 pm #

    Seems like you’re getting to the ‘anger’ stage, hmm? I had blogged about those stages a couple weeks ago. It’s perhaps a good thing; you’re getting closer to the end of this misery.
    And incidentally, we should all consider ourselves lucky to have experienced love, I suppose, but… something in the way he said it to you just makes him sound almost… stuck-up =\ Sorry to say. Or full of himself or something. Just pointing that out; not sure if it’s true. Be strong. x

    • aprileb October 25, 2013 at 2:33 pm #

      Thank you. I think if he had been in love with me I would feel lucky to have experienced this. Or maybe in time I would have. But as it is I just feel like I was offline catfished. Nothing lucky ’bout that. x

  5. angrybeeornottobee October 25, 2013 at 5:55 pm #

    Him saying something like that would bug me! It would make me feel like how dare he try to tell me I was lucky. Your friend above is right that this is the anger stage. I think I’m going through it too right now. Stay strong and f**k him! What does he know anyway? He didn’t recognise a good thing when he had it!

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