All the lonely people

20 Oct

I spent the past five hours on the train from Edinburgh to London. Wedding Boy texted just as I was getting on the train. Not sure what is going on there, but – due to the location difference – it has no choice but to be a slow burner either way. Which is probably good for me right now. I’ve stopped looking at my online dating profile. I miss my ex too much.

Anyway, five hours on the train, and I spent the entire journey watching season two of Ally McBeal. I have a much, much deeper appreciation for it these days. When I loved this show as a 16 year old, my only personal experience of heartbreak was dealing with the fact Leonardo DiCaprio and I were unlikely to ever get together. Now, well, it all makes so much sense.

Who knew this show is not about law at all?

It’s about loneliness.

In nearly every episode we see Ally walking home alone. Yes, she’s wearing great coats and wandering through Boston looking its most magical (I know, I know, it’s really a set in LA), but she’s alone.

The thing with loneliness is, it’s a feeling – not a state of being. I’m not isolated. I have fabulous friends in London and elsewhere. I work in a really sociable environment. I’m one of those weirdos who tends to talk to people in shops or strike up a conversation with the dude behind the till in the coffee shop.

But I am lonely.

In one episode John Cage says that loneliness means you don’t believe things are going to change. I’ve kind of been feeling that way recently. It took me 30 years to find someone I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I can’t imagine feeling that way again. And – if our relationship was so perfect (as he said), but he still didn’t want me – maybe I’m just not lovable in a romantic sense. Feels like there isn’t much working in my favour right now.

Wedding Boy is a nice distraction, yes. But he doesn’t take away the loneliness.

Something’s missing. He’s missing.

And every night I walk home alone.

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6 Responses to “All the lonely people”

  1. annemariehro October 20, 2013 at 8:49 pm #

    Hello sweetpie!! Don’t say your are not lovable in a romantic way. Everyone is lovable in a romantic way. The things is, we love many times in life and everytime is a learning experience that will help us with the following one. The fact that it didn’t worked this time, when you felt it was the good one, doesn’t mean this was your last chance or the last time you are going to feel like this. XO!

    • aprileb October 20, 2013 at 9:03 pm #

      Thank you, Anne. You always have good words for me x

      • annemariehro October 20, 2013 at 9:04 pm #

        🙂

  2. madeinaugust October 20, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

    I understand what you mean. But when we are in love, we see things differently than they actually are. So maybe things weren’t that great after all. I’ve had that relationship too. (And I never thought that I could feel that way for someone.) We ended it last year. And even though we’re done for quite some time now, I still have him on my mind every once in a while because it is normal. He is an important part of my past and my transformations which led to the person that I am today. I also know our break up is for the best. I’ve always left behind things that were perfectly fine, and every single time I received something even better. Also, no one’s got it all. So you might as well start to appreciate the things that you already have/are already going on in your life. You don’t need someone to be happy. Unless you are not happy with yourself. I think that this should be the path you should take to get over it: understand that it is over for a reason(and even if you’d get back together that reason still exists and you’ll end up in the same place only messier) and start doing stuff in order to show the love for yourself. It might sound hard, but it’s not. Take good care of you. You’re not the first one to have a broken heart. And, believe it or not, they heal in time. You’ll be alright.

    Writing helped me a lot as well when I tried to get over him. It’s a good way to express your feelings. But I kept it personal, because I wanted to write exactly how I felt, without having in mind the idea that someone’s gonna read that and judge me.

    Believe me… soon you’ll be laughing at this. Wish you all the best!

  3. luciddream85 October 21, 2013 at 4:06 am #

    Those men that we deserve are out there somewhere. They have to be. If I don’t believe that, then I don’t know what I’m fighting for.

  4. intothebeauty October 21, 2013 at 1:05 pm #

    You are so deserving of romantic love. We all are ❤ chin up, lady.

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