So long, September

30 Sep

Another month over in just a few hours. And I’m ready for it. I love the autumn. I like coming home from work and lighting candles and putting on warm pyjamas and watching TV without feeling guilty (when it’s light and sunny outside I always feel I should be out enjoying the light and the sunniness).

Ok, so this autumn I was supposed to be moving in with him, and instead I’ve lost my boyfriend and my best friend and all those plans. But I am not a total loser. No, no. Because I’m gaining knowledge all the time.

Here is what I learned in September:

1. I’m stronger than I think
I am still of the opinion that my new job is somewhat of a disaster. But, let’s review the details. The day after the ex and I spoke on the phone, whilst still completely heartbroken, with no sleep, I started my new job. New company. New clients. New people. Big step up. No coffee machine. And I have managed to get up and go to work every day and pretend that I know what I’m doing. I have also now introduced a French press for team morning coffee. It’s not how I wanted it to be. I’m not how I wanted to be. But I’m doing it anyway. And for that reason alone, I think I’m doing OK.

2. Know when to ask for help
Week one of the new job (post telephone conversation with the ex), I really sank. I hardly slept at all. And everything got very, very dark. Honestly, I have never felt so distressed, and the hardest thing was telling my friends. The guilt of it. Ugh. People go through much worse than this. How dare I feel so terrible. Well, I did tell people. And people were incredibly supportive. Now I’m seeing a tremendous counsellor and slowly but surely a little colour is coming back.

3. If you’re still crying, it’s too soon
At one point I decided the answer was to date. I joined a dating site. I got upset that every man on there was boring/ugly/unsuccessful/not my ex. As a blogger buddy pointed out, when you’re still crying every day, it is not the time to go looking for someone else.

4. Dear God, limit the sleeping pills
A very generous doctor prescribed me some very lovely sleeping pills. At the time, they were such a gift. I was so relieved. My poor body and brain were craving rest. Badly. Turns out, these particular sleeping pills should be prescribed five-at-a-time. My doctor prescribed 28 of the bad boys. After a week of them, I had a permanent hangover. I’ve weaned myself off them with hypnosis apps and chamomile tea. I don’t sleep every night, but I feel more like me. I like me.

So tomorrow is October. Not the October I was expecting, but who knows what’s to come?

And October 1st is my Mum’s birthday. Happy Birthday to my lovely Mum. Of course, she doesn’t read my blog. She doesn’t even know I write one.

I’m pretty sure she would be horrified.

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3 Responses to “So long, September”

  1. jadedwildcat September 30, 2013 at 8:08 pm #

    Well done, girl. You learned quite a lot, and really seem to be getting a handle on things even if you were groping blindly in the dark there for awhile.
    Also, not that I could claim to know your Mum or anything, but I feel she’d be proud of you for being so strong and for getting through this so bravely, rather than be horrified!
    But then again, mothers are mothers and tend to focus only on when their children are in pain or dark places so maybe I get what you mean (if that is what you mean!)

    In any case, damned if I could’ve done what you did, especially during that first week of work and all… Knowing me, I probably would have done something horribly drastic like not even do the job anymore, totally quit and decide to stay home and “wait until I felt ready to face the world again”…
    By reading my blogs, I’m sure it’s clear that method is the worst way to go since sometimes (like me) you never end up back out there at all! You on the other hand, decided to just keep going and face everything head on, no matter how awful you felt.
    Very proud of you! xoxo

  2. luciddream85 October 2, 2013 at 1:17 am #

    If you learned all of these amazing things in September, I can only imagine what realizations you’ll come across this month 🙂

    • aprileb October 2, 2013 at 8:06 am #

      Thank you, girl. Who knows what I’ll learn this month. I’m already planning a Halloween dinner so things are looking up. Hope you’re doing OK. I’m keeping up with your posts as always x

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