The painful progress moments

27 Sep

Friday night and I have nobody to play with. Again. I was supposed to be going to Italy with him first thing tomorrow morning. He’s going without me. This is a lot to think about, so I’m watching old seasons of Grey’s Anatomy because I don’t know what else to do with myself.

It worries me, you know? So much heartbreak at Seattle Grace Hospital and yet they are all carrying on, performing surgeries, casually sticking knives in people’s brains. In my job, I can’t concentrate enough to write nice copy or a half-decent social media strategy. If lives were in my hands. Well. They’d certainly die.

It’s a funny old end to the week. Didn’t cry yesterday. Haven’t cried yet today, but I do feel it coming. I feel more distant from my ex. I still miss him like hell. I miss my best friend. I miss my boyfriend. But I don’t feel like part of me is missing. Or, at least I don’t feel that way as intensely as I did before. 

These moments when you realise you’re making progress are so difficult to get your head around. Much as there’s relief that you don’t feel quite as horrific, there’s sadness as you grieve the relationship slipping a little further away. As I said to my counsellor the other night, I know in a year that this will just be something that happened. But that makes me sad, because that means he’ll just be something that happened. Or, as blogger buddy Intothebeauty put it, “I didn’t want to let go of the feeling of me wanting him”. That’s all I have left, after all. When it’s gone, he’s gone. 

So rather than shutting it out altogether, I’m letting my mind wander a little around this trip to Italy that I should be going on. How he was invited to a friend’s wedding there and, at first, turned down the invite because he thought I wasn’t invited and we’d already have spent so much of the summer apart. Then we realised I was invited and excitedly booked flights and hotel. I bought a dress. 

And as I write this, now I’m crying again.

I want to feel OK, but I don’t want him to disappear.

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2 Responses to “The painful progress moments”

  1. jadedwildcat September 27, 2013 at 7:39 pm #

    =(
    It’s such a saddening, frightening thought to think of someone you love so dearly just disappearing, becoming just another face in the crowd after all you shared. Moments and thoughts like those make me literally feel like the world is closing in on me, like I’m going to scream or suffocate or both. You think of all the special, close times you shared JUST for the two of you, then in an instant you think of him as just someone else walking by.

    “Now you’re just somebody that I used to know” – that damned song haunts me all the time, worrying about things like that… =(

    I’ve yet to figure out how people deal with this…
    The way I’m “handling” my particular situation… well, I’m pretty much doing it that way BECAUSE I fear losing people. So much do I fear it that I’m even willing to put myself through the alternative; the slower, more torturous route where you take time to assess things and see if you just grow apart more naturally and slowly… until eventually it just wouldn’t really hurt all that much once they finally slid all the way out of your life OR you fall back into being friends somehow…
    It can be thought of as either selfish or brave – maybe both? All I know is that I have specific hopes for the outcome that still might not happen, so it’s risky either way.
    Sigh.

    But it’s hard, so hard to think of falling further and further away from what you once loved.
    I posted before that someone once said, “It isn’t moving on that scares me, it’s what I’m leaving behind…”

    True. So true.
    HUGS, cry it out and then I hope you still manage to get through the weekend okay. xoxo

    • literarylydi September 27, 2013 at 9:06 pm #

      Hey you’re not the only one in feeling sorry for themselves on a Friday night. It’s hard at first because of the space a guy leaves behind.

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