The thing that sticks

24 Sep

I’m trying herbal Nytol to avoid becoming completely addicted to the sleeping tablets that my doctor has prescribed in very generous quantities.

So far, the herbs ain’t doing much.

One thought is going round and round my head. Same thought that has stuck and hurt the most for seven and a half weeks.

He was “never completely in love” with me.

It undoes everything. All my memories come apart. It’s like a thread that you pull and a whole jumper unravels. Everything’s gone.

And I must be in some way deficient.

Because I was completely in love with him.

6 Responses to “The thing that sticks”

  1. elizabethhiggins September 24, 2013 at 10:51 pm #

    I am feeling the same way today. But you’re beautiful and smart and successful, don’t forget that. And someday, sometime soon, you’re going to find someone who will be completely in love with you, and all of this right now will make sense.

    Hang it there.

    • aprileb September 24, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

      Thanks, lovely. And the same back to you. Funny how it can be so up and down, isn’t it?

  2. jadedwildcat September 25, 2013 at 12:17 am #

    I’m still struggling with this whole concept of love and how you even KNOW if and when someone is completely in love with you, or you with them, etc. Apparently it can happen and then ‘decay’ after a little while; apparently it never was happening in the first place!?
    Too many possibilities that all make my head spin.

    P.S. On the subject of the Zopiclone, yeah… they are the only ones that really work for me, but my doctor had only given me about 10 of them and warned me profusely about how easily they can cause some pretty bad conditions later on, if used too often. So good for you trying to do something natural – even though those don’t do crap-all for me either >_< I spread my ten little Zopiclones out over the course of a few MONTHS, taking it once every couple of weeks to kind of refresh my exhausted system with one good night's rest. I might go back for some more soon…

  3. luciddream85 September 25, 2013 at 1:13 am #

    What’s sad is that he said this and that you believe it. There’s what they say, and what they mean to say but don’t realize it. He says “I was never completely in love with you.” What he meant was “I didn’t know how to completely love you.” It wasn’t you that he couldn’t love fully. He just didn’t know how – and that would have gone for anyone. It sounds to me like he is the one that is a little lost in his life, and in his self-exploration of who he is. They say you can’t love someone until you love yourself. Sounds to me like the issues run deep with him, and no matter what you or anyone tried to do, the outcome would have been the same.

    Now it’s time for you to stop taking the blame for it. It’s his blame to hold. And one day, when he gets his crap together, and can love someone 100%, he will realize it should have been you he invested on.

  4. YourJennie September 25, 2013 at 7:26 am #

    I know this feeling. It’s horrible. You know that when the c*nt and I exploded a lot of these thoughts and insecurities plagued me because I told you about them over and over. I still don’t understand what this guy means by ‘completely love you’. As far as I’m concerned he told you that over and over again when you were together. Whenever you questioned his feelings for you, he made YOU feel like you were mental. This was his fault, not yours. Fuck him, mate. He’s a tool.

    P.S. Loving the angry you

    • aprileb September 25, 2013 at 7:44 am #

      A few points this morning
      1 – Worst zopiclone hangover. The herbal stuff did f*** all.
      2 – Luciddream, I love your way of thinking. I’ll try and think more like that.
      3 – Blog buddies, Jennie above is the Jennie mentioned in my eye-poking post. As I said before, I am the luckiest cat in the world when it comes to friends.

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