What if you could travel back in time?

22 Sep

I took my broken heart to the movies this afternoon. I think the immersive feel of the cinema helps take my mind off things. On Wedding Boy’s recommendation, I went to see ‘About Time’. I fully expected it to be a saccharine rom com that half bored me and half annoyed me. Quite the contrary. It’s a gorgeous movie, and I cried through the whole thing. Don’t let that put you off. It isn’t sad until the end, it’s just that I cry at the happy bits too these days.

Now, if you don’t know the basic plot, a guy discovers he has the ability to go back in time to ‘redo’ stuff. I know. Sounds horrific. Trust me, it’s done tastefully.

Anyway, it got me thinking about my ex (surprise surprise), and our relationship.

If I could go back in time like the dude in the movie, what would I redo?

I wouldn’t redo anything.

I wouldn’t change our first date, being 15 minutes late because I got stuck at work, or toasting the birth of my littlest nephew with champagne to start the evening. I wouldn’t change saying, “YES!” when he asked me to be his girlfriend. Or how nervous I was the first time I met his friends. Or how very, very nervous I was when I first went to spend the weekend in Ireland with his family. I would still write him a short story for Valentine’s Day. And take the day off work before his birthday to learn how to make arancini – and then make arancini (his favourite food that disappeared from Broadway Market last winter). I’d still have him to stay in my flat for a month when his house was being renovated. I wouldn’t change any of the “I love yous”, or the lazy afternoons on the sofa, or runs in the park, or drunken nights in our favourite cocktail bar.

And when he went to New York and things got weird? Well, it’s a fine line between a regret and a memory. But I wouldn’t be any less supportive than I was. Yes, though in the end it was humiliating, I’d still send him my stupid, cheerful emails. I’d still make him cupcakes when he came home for a week and complained that I was “too excited”. I’d still count the days ‘til I got to see his face.

Because, whatever happened – and I don’t think I’ll ever really know – one thing I have is the knowledge that I was the best girlfriend I could be. I loved as much as I could. He said himself that he was the happiest he’s ever been in his life when he was with me. I know I was the happiest that I’ve ever been.

In fact, the only thing I might change, if I had the chance, would be to have never met him in the first place. At least that way the haunting blissfulness would never flicker through my mind, and I’d have nobody to miss.

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7 Responses to “What if you could travel back in time?”

  1. jadedwildcat September 23, 2013 at 6:33 am #

    Can’t tell you how many times over the years I wished that about H.
    That I’d never met him at all; that I’d be totally willing to forfeit even the wonderfully blissful times because I’m no longer certain they were worth the terrible, trauma that I suffered at his hands, several times over.
    Now I wonder if I’ll feel that about M, too, even though like with your relationship, you were brought pretty much nothing but happiness and love…
    Funny how that can sometimes hurt even worse than the bad times eh?

    =(

    • jadedwildcat September 23, 2013 at 6:35 am #

      * there should be an “it’s” in there, heh. (“even though IT’S like with your relationship…)

      Yeah.
      It’s late. -_-

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