The presence of love

15 Sep

The wedding was lovely. And it was a very fun weekend. Despite personally having a few dark moments, there was swimming and champagne and my bedroom was roughly twice the size of my apartment with a stunning view of Edinburgh castle. Of course I had fun.

I think the thing that struck me most, and the thing that made me cry more than once, was being in the presence of love. Since the pizza of doom I’ve doubted everything. I’ve felt like it’s all a lie. That marriage and love aren’t for real. That there’s no point in hoping for it, because it’s all a hoax anyway. And all the lovely, thoughtful things I did for my ex and the way I felt for him, well, it was worthless and stupid. I was a fool.

I have news for myself: it’s not a hoax.

I reckon it’s rare. I don’t think everyone who gets married has it for real. But Sarah and Matt definitely do.

It wasn’t the boxes of wedding days gifts he left in our ‘getting ready room’, complete with earings to match her engagement ring, iPod stocked with her favourite music, chocolates, champagne, and personalised slippers for her bridesmaids (thank you, Matt!). It wasn’t the way he looked at her when she reached the bottom of the aisle (she looked stunning, any man would have done a double take). Or the way they looked at each other, and laughed with each other, while saying their vows (which made me cry as they still sum up exactly how I feel about my ex). It was later, watching them dance. Without sounding like a pervert or a stalker, I watched them for a while. I couldn’t even tell you what in particular I noticed, nothing specific, no particular gestures or dramatic embraces. Just an overwhelming sense of protection, passion, friendship and care.

He loves her. She loves him. You can’t miss it.

While I’m in my own personal heartache paralysis – bitter, uncertain, insecure and angry – it’s good to know they still make that kind of love.

Maybe I’ll never find it. Maybe I’ll only ever want it with my ex. Maybe. But maybe not.

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One Response to “The presence of love”

  1. sowebrokeup September 15, 2013 at 11:02 pm #

    You will find it. I don’t worry about you for a second. You sound like you have a big, crazy, loving heart. Which is the best kind. And most importantly, you are able to recognize the presence of love. Sounds like King D-bag, couldn’t.

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