12 Sep

When someone tells you that they love you, that they find you incredibly attractive, that they were the happiest they’ve ever been in their life when they were with you, that your relationship was 99.9% perfect, that their family and friends loved you, and they were sure they were going to marry you, BUT that they were “never completely in love” with you, you start to question yourself.

In spite of being perfect for him, he didn’t want me. I must be rubbish. Am I just not loveable in a romantic sense?

I’m not an arrogant person. I’m not even that confident a person. But there are some things I know about myself that he can’t take away:

1. I make people laugh. Maybe not much in the past few weeks, but in general I do.
2. I am kind and thoughtful, and I love making other people feel special.
3. I can write.
4. I can cook.
5. I have really nice hair.

It’s not a huge list. It’s not a newsworthy list. But it’s my list.

And I still matter.

4 Responses to “Me”

  1. jadedwildcat September 12, 2013 at 8:40 pm #

    I’m sure you have far, far more than just those 5 wonderful qualities, my dear. How about being expressive and honest? Sentimental and passionate, and intelligent, hardworking, BRAVE, courageous and determined? You’re also very independent and self-reliant, which are things I personally wish I was. Also you love japanese culture, which is a plus in my book.

    The thing that gives me anxiety from reading your posts is the fact that your ex seems to have made such a hasty decision, based on the mere fact that a teeny tiny bit of ‘something’ wasn’t present in the relationship and yet, that was enough for him to just decide once and for all to end things.
    Reason this gives ME anxiety is that, I actually have a similar issue with H, where a few people have even said that maybe our relationship is lacking in a few important things… and yet I sit here incapable of making such a hasty decision like your ex did.
    It kind of makes me wonder, who’s right and who’s wrong?
    Was your ex right to do this, to go with what HE felt was right, no matter how it would hurt?
    Or am I right to hang on, because I at least recognize all the other great and wonderful things about my relationship, even if a good bit of passion and whatnot is lacking?

    Hmm…. 😦

    • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 9:13 pm #

      You know what, it hurts like hell and I will never ever understand this, but if he had doubts, well, maybe it would have happened sooner or later. I think he was wrong, obviously. But I’d still rather sooner than later. Maybe hurting someone in the short term saves them in the long term?

      • jadedwildcat September 12, 2013 at 9:26 pm #

        When I read it the way you put it, it seems to make sense. On paper.
        But in my case I don’t know… So many times it was H having the doubts, and H making the decision for both of us and H up and leaving me to fend for myself and try to pick up the pieces of my life and my heart…
        Now, when he has decided he wants to stay for good, and is seemingly comfortable – even though we really don’t seem to have any passion anymore … – it’s me who’s worrying about what’s missing, not him. I’m so sure that if this had been an issue all those years ago, he would have been fast and strong enough to cut ties immediately since he always was.
        Here I am, perhaps with more reason than he had, to even consider breaking us up, and I don’t even WANT to do it.
        That’s the difference I guess. 😦
        I still honestly feel that despite the big things that are wrong with our relationship, I could never go on without him…
        So twisted and messed up, I know.

        In your case, I guess you have no choice but to wait and see what transpires, if he really did make the right decision and never looks back, or if he comes to realize that there is no ‘perfect’, and that 99.9% is really an amazing thing to have had.

  2. angrybeeornottobee September 12, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

    You do still matter! I’m pleased that you see that. Having love for yourself and being grateful for who you are and what you bring to a relationship is not arrogance. Sometimes you need a bit of self appreciation and love when someone has hurt you. It’s how you pull yourself back up.

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