Sinking

11 Sep

Sorry for the melancholy post tonight, buddies. I’m struggling to stay afloat.

I’m trying.

I still wake up at 4am every day. I tell myself not to think about him. Or I watch Netflix. Or I read. I end up crying, going over and over and over and over the same conversations.

But I’m trying.

I weigh myself and think, “Well, something good has come of all this.” I look in the mirror and know he still didn’t want me.

But I’m trying.

I tell myself I have great hair. I remember him and his brother discussing this very point. And I miss him.

But I’m trying.

I go to work at my new job and plaster on a smile and act super confident. Which lasts about ten minutes.

By lunchtime I’m sinking.

It feels like I’m disconnected from my body, bouncing off my own sides. My body and my mind and my heart are not my own. I get slower and slower as I try to get my work done. I fall behind schedule. I get angry with myself.

I email my friends, desperate to hear anything that makes me feel reassured and loved and unalone.

I wait.

And I’m sinking.

I hear back and feel myself float a little.

I read their words and I float a little further.

I see friends after work and they make me smile, and laugh, and they tell me I’m worth more than this.

And I’m trying.

I get home, and there’s a weird sense of calm. Another day done.

I go to bed, so tired that I melt into sleep with ease.

And at 4 am, it begins again.

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19 Responses to “Sinking”

  1. jadedwildcat September 11, 2013 at 9:32 pm #

    Oh Lord, sweetie… as much as I myself am suffering, I hate knowing you are suffering too, and a lot of other people here on WP as well 😦
    Mostly I just hate that any of us have to go through this, that it has to be so hard…
    Again I must repeat that I wish there were some kind of magic wand someone could use to wave all of this pain away.
    One thing though, not that I’m trying to lessen your situation in any way, is at least there’s a finality to what you’re going through, and that you’ve accepted it and pretty much the only direction for you now is UP….!
    I worry that even though I’m working on myself now, and trying to keep going, in my case there haven’t really been any drastic decisions (aside from my not talking to M really)… and that eventually something will happen and I’ll be right back at the start of misery again.
    At least I get to see how you progress though, and stay strong…
    And yes you ARE totally strong, even though you think you aren’t, because you’re still making it through the day and not giving up and surrendering to the sadness.
    Keep it up… xoxo

  2. iwantmyhusbandback September 11, 2013 at 10:04 pm #

    You might feel like your sinking but your friends won’t let youu drown! Life can’t be shite forever… It just can’t! Broken hearts have to mend! I’m not sure how but you will be ok! Same as me, we have to be ok again because life can’t be this unkind! Xxxxx

    • aprileb September 11, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

      Thank you guys. I know it will be ok. I just hate that feeling when it all comes crashing back through you like a wave, reawakening every nerve to the pain. I had a rubbish day today. Thank you for reading and commenting. Hope you’re ok x

  3. brittanyrich September 11, 2013 at 10:37 pm #

    I am so sorry that you are going through this! I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there myself. It’s scary, it’s lonely, and at times it seems unending. It is hard when you’re trying to move on and the smallest thing hits you like a ton of bricks. You will make it through this, it may not always seem like it right now, but you will.

    I know you don’t know me, but if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I don’t know if the pain ever truly disappears altogether, I still have days when the pain seems more real than others, but I know eventually everything will be exactly the way it should be. Hold on, girl! You’re gonna make it! 🙂
    –Britt

    • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

      Hi Britt. Thank you so much. I can’t tell you how much your message cheered me up. I know you are right and I’ll be ok in the long run. I’m just so tired of feeling this sad. It makes me feel happier about the world that people I don’t even know can be so supportive. X

  4. creativityabounds September 12, 2013 at 1:25 am #

    Hi-

    I read your last two posts because through you liking a blog post of mine, I found you! My heart goes out to you. I would give you a hug if I could (and you were ok with it, of course!)

    The feelings that you are going through— they are the worst. I know this because I have experienced it. So know you are not alone. I went through a divorce which was much worse than my recent breakup.

    Can I share something with you? Look at yourself in the mirror everyday, in your eyes, and tell yourself “I love you.” It will feel awkward and ridiculous at first. Most of the time we only look at ourselves to primp and get ready. After a few days and moments of crying or even sobbing when you do this… you might find you look forward to it. And after more than a few times maybe you will have more to say than “I love you.” After many, many times you will feel pretty wise for doing this and realize that you know more than most people do about love.

    This is healing. It will heal you more than you would think. It’s not something you can understand until you experience it. When you learn to love yourself unconditionally, you will find that you will be happy with yourself and by yourself, and that others are icing on a really great cupcake (you!)

    I wish you the absolute best as you go through this time. As you know, you will be okay. Just aim for more than okay by learning to love yourself— it will be one of the best experiences of your life, trust me. 🙂

    • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 7:07 pm #

      Thank you for this and thank you for your advice. I’ll give it a go, the whole mirror thing. Hell, I’ll try anything right now! It really does help to know that other people have been through this and done OK. x

  5. whiskeyinateacupp September 12, 2013 at 3:21 am #

    This is so sad, i’m so sorry you’re going through this! relationships can be so hard but don’t worry, something good will come soon!

    • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 7:08 pm #

      Well I can’t get up at 4 am too many more nights. I’m exhausted! So hopefully it will turn out ok one way or the other, sooner or later. Thanks for reading and for your comment. It’s nice to know people care x

  6. Just Someone September 12, 2013 at 4:22 am #

    Hey April,
    I end up crying reading your entries. I am myself in pain but when I see yours and other fellow bloggers, I tend to forget mine for some time. There are things emotions so common, like this 4:00AM moment or serial postings, or the things I regret, or an occasional text from her. I m on a leave from my job for one month, just to gain some consciousness or to be back in my senses.
    In my case I haven’t told my friends of what has happened between us, since it was a 5 years long relationship and everybody expects the news of our marriage anytime soon. So I am bearing it all alone 😦
    Anyways, be strong 🙂 Maybe God has better things in store for you!!

    • Just Someone September 12, 2013 at 5:00 am #

      btw today again you r up at four, that’s not good!! Listen to some good music, thats a true healer!

    • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 7:10 pm #

      Oh, buddy. I don’t know how you are coping without your friends to lean on. I think you need to tell them. You can’t shoulder this alone, and they will find out eventually, won’t they? I’m sure when they do they will wish that they were there for you at this time.

      I think it’s hard to read the heartbroken posts of other bloggers. I have cried at many other people’s stories too. But it’s also comfort to know we aren’t alone. X

  7. shiftybananas September 12, 2013 at 7:15 am #

    Oh hun… I know what you’re going through. I’m happy to say that now at least I am getting more that 2 hours of sleep a night (that helps keep the crazy at bay). But still wake up at 4 or 5 am and struggle to get back to sleep. You feel like you’re living, but you’re not alive.

    I am probably the last person who should say this, and I hate it when people say it to me, but we need to believe that it will eventually get better, there has got to be more to our lives than this. Lament. Lament all you want. Take your time. No one should rush you into or out of something, but in the end we will all reach a point where we realise our worth and that something better is likely to come (not necessarily in the form of another guy – I can’t even start to think about a new relationship – , but things will change, and it will be for the better).

    • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 5:29 pm #

      Thank you all so much for your amazing comments. When I woke at 4 (spot on, justsomeone) it was so nice to see them. It means a lot to me. Today was as tough as yesterday. But I’m tough too. I’ll get there x

      • Just Someone September 12, 2013 at 7:18 pm #

        I am so depressed these days, that it gives me a great sense of worth If I am able to help someone or bring a smile to someone’s face. So till I get over her and come to my senses, I m there with you!
        And, no more 4:00 AM, Please.

      • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 7:20 pm #

        Well it makes me sad to hear how sad you are! I’m hoping to sleep til at least 5am tomorrow! I really hope you are ok, and you know that I and the rest of these lovely blogger people are here for you x

      • Just Someone September 12, 2013 at 7:26 pm #

        Its my first! And I am in a state that I won’t fall in love ever. That’s a commitment I am making to myself.
        Trust me, all you guys are great, and I feel lucky for the moment I decided to turn to WP to vent out my emotions.

      • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 7:30 pm #

        I never want to go through this again either. I hope we never have to.

    • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 7:11 pm #

      Bananas, living but not alive sums it up perfectly. I know we’ll be ok eventually. X

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