Today was my first day in my new job. The job he convinced me I could do. The job that was going to be part of our new life, living together, working hard, making as much money as we could for the future. The job that, yesterday, he told me he is still so proud of me for taking. Since the pizza of doom, I’ve been terrified that I can’t do it and will just mess it up.
Well, I’m a bit worried it is going to go that way. This just isn’t how this part of my life was supposed to go.
I thought last night we would have a talk and he’d tell me I would do great, and we’d go to bed and spoon, and fall asleep with our feet touching.
Instead, I spoke to my friend Ellie last night. She made me laugh with a story about a pizza order of doom that ended with the phrase, “You leave me no choice but to consult my lawyer.” I went to bed with my iPad and watched Netflix.
I thought this morning he’d tell me I looked great, and walk me to the bus stop.
I woke up crying at 4am. I did not look great by the time I got up. My bus got stuck in traffic and I was 20 minutes late on my first day. Awesome. Oh, but I had constant texts from my friends wishing me luck and sending me kisses.
I thought at lunch I’d email him and let him know how it was going.
By lunch I was sinking. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I went for a walk with a friend who already works there. I emailed some of my buddies telling them how awful I felt. And they replied and reassured throughout the afternoon.
I thought I’d go home to him, have a cuddle and tell him all about my day.
I came home to an empty flat. I phoned my parents to assure them I hadn’t had a breakdown (I know they are worried I will).
I thought we’d go for a drink to celebrate my first day, and maybe some dinner.
I had porridge and sparkling water. I took a bath to warm up (it’s cold outside). I read the blogs of some of the people who are inspiring and motivating me to keep going.
I thought we’d go to bed and spoon, and fall asleep with our feet touching.
I have a couple of telephone dates with friends tonight. Then I’ll go to bed with my iPad, and watch Netflix.
OK. So this is not how I imagined things. This is not how we planned it. And I’m not sure I still have the confidence and the charm and drive to do this job. Who knows if it will work out? Who knows if they are already wondering who this sad creature is instead of the bright, smart girl they hired? Who knows what I’ll be doing in six months?
But I know this, my friends are spectacularly supportive and kind. You can’t plan for that. It’s sheer luck.
Pizza of Doom 
You are so brave, so very, very brave and I continue to see this with each of your posts…
To someone like me, what you are doing is just close to impossible and even though I’m caught in a really dark place, I can at least still see that it’s really wonderful that you’re moving on, and at least trying. Congratulations for making it through the first day, even though it wasn’t what you hoped it would be. I hope that every day, from here on out, will be even the tiniest ‘sliver’ better than the day before, until eventually you’re a long way from these times of sadness. Hug.
Thank you so much. I feel so pathetic, so it’s reassuring to know you think I’m strong. I think I need to throw myself into this job 110% and it can only help me to move forwards. I just literally can’t when I’m this tired and sad and distracted. BUT I will keep trying!
Thinking of you too. I hope today is going OK for you. X
One thing you have to remember: Your ex did not get that job. Your ex didn’t walk in there and own it. He didn’t speak at your interview. He didn’t do all of the hard work. YOU, darling. YOU did it all. He was your support, but support is something you still have from tons of other people. I know they don’t feel the same as your ex, but they are an extremely close second. You are the amazing person you see when you look in the mirror. You can do this without him, I promise! I know it doesn’t seem like it. Sometimes you have to fake it to make it, but make it you will. Just don’t give up. You can cry, you can wallow, you can do all of those things because you’ve earned your right to! What you haven’t earned? The right to give up. Keep stepping even if you have to crawl first. I promise you, if you just keep on keeping on, eventually you WILL look in the mirror and recognize yourself. The night he left me, I remember before bed looking in the mirror. My eyes were swollen, still pouring tears. But I looked in the mirror and in that instant I realized something. Every picture I owned might have had him in it, but in my reflection-MY reflection in the mirror, it’s always been just me. Before him, during, and after. I’ve always had myself. Me, myself, and I. And in that moment, for even just a split second, I had a glimpse of “okayness.” And yes, I just made up that word. But it’s true.
xoxo cyber hugs. for reals.
Thank you so so so much for this. Do you know I reread it like three times today? You are right. Ad I can’t tell you how amazing I was in my interview for this job. They wanted me in a big way. I just need to stop waking at 4am and crying over him and I’ll have the energy to do it justice. Today was a little easier than yesterday. Still hard, but I knew it would be. I met some friends after work for a cup of tea (we are so old these days) and they gave me a good pep talk too. Paws crossed day three is easier still. X
Anytime! We’re all here to support each other. Those days definitely slow down. I cried this morning for the first time in a while-but only for a little bit. Once I got to work and saw all of the people that keep me smiling all day-all of my moodiness went away! I’m glad today was better. It always is 🙂
Also now you can get to know yourself and find out whether you have any justifiable reason to doubt yourself (you don’t). You got the job because you’re the best at it, now show them! Go get em!
Learning how to live without someone is the hardest of things to accomplish. Just remember that you can’t let them define you. You’re stronger than that. And while it hurts to do all of these things without him, you have to know and realize that you can do it without him, even if it’s not ideal. Go and build that future. You never know what the future will hold. Maybe one day, you two will get back together. Maybe you won’t. But at least show him that you can do it without him. That you can do it either way.
You’re right. I know I don’t need him – or anyone. I’ve accomplished a lot totally on my own. I would just prefer him to be part of it. But I have no control over that, and I can’t let it drag me down.
Thank you for your wise words x