99.9% (or, ‘the telephone call with the ex’)

8 Sep

So. We talked today. For two hours. I cried. He cried. We laughed a little. We cried some more.

In a way I do feel like it has given me some closure. There is no way we are getting back together. At the same time, it has made me feel sad.

Here’s the key point to take from the two-hour call: our relationship was 99.9%, and he couldn’t cope with the missing .1.

He said being with me was the happiest he’s been in his life. He loves me. He finds me incredibly attractive. He loves being with me. But he wasn’t completely ‘in love’ with me.

As for all the chat re marriage, and moving in, and babies. He said he genuinely thought that’s where we’d end up. This makes me sad because it’s where I thought we were headed too. And I think we both know we would have been really happy together. But, apparently, he would never have been completely in love with me. I want to be with someone who is completely head-over-heels-over-head-over-heels in love with me.

He told me I’m such a catch. That I’m beautiful and smart and kind and funny and have an amazing job etc. etc.

I agreed.

I don’t really know how I feel right now. Hungry for a start as I haven’t eaten all day. I think I need to move on. I still don’t want to, but I also don’t want to be stuck in this heartache forever. I start my new job tomorrow, which terrifies me, but I really need to get my sh** together because it’s up to me to make a success of this role.

Any ideas on finally shutting that door which keeps slamming on my heart?

I’m going to cry, eat some crackers, and catch up on The X Factor. Who says single life isn’t awesome?

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21 Responses to “99.9% (or, ‘the telephone call with the ex’)”

  1. elizabethhiggins September 8, 2013 at 4:50 pm #

    You deserve that .1% more, you really do. But I’m so glad you’re starting to feel like you deserve it too, and aren’t just going through the motions. Like, I said, you’re so much like me it’s scary…did I mention I start my new job tomorrow too?

    • aprileb September 8, 2013 at 5:56 pm #

      I can’t believe we are both starting new jobs tomorrow! Spooky! Well, hey, I hope you are doing OK too and good luck tomorrow. I just spoke to my mum who called my ex every expletive under the sun. Not really helpful!

      You’re right. I do deserve that .1%, I just wanted it to come from him. But I guess it never would.

      Let me know how you go tomorrow. I’m sure we’ll do great! X

      • elizabethhiggins September 8, 2013 at 10:56 pm #

        I definitely will! What are you doing for your new job?

      • elizabethhiggins September 10, 2013 at 9:21 pm #

        How did your first day go?! Or second day, now?

      • aprileb September 10, 2013 at 9:26 pm #

        Hey buddy. It was hard! It is hard. I can’t concentrate and I’m not sleeping. But the people are nice and it’s keeping my brain busy. How about you? X

      • elizabethhiggins September 10, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

        It’s hard, and I’m not sure if I like it yet or not. I’m working with severe cases of behavior in an Elementary School. So, it’s actually very sad. I’m not sleeping either, so I understand – i’m hoping I will just get so tired soon that I’ll just pass out.

      • aprileb September 10, 2013 at 9:57 pm #

        Wow, that sounds like a consuming job. But what a rewarding thing to put your mind and heart into. I think you’ll do great. I’m not sure i like mine yet either. not even sure i want to do it anymore! I’m off to bed now and crossing my paws I sleep through. Let’s hope day three is better for both of us. x

      • elizabethhiggins September 10, 2013 at 10:16 pm #

        We can do this!

      • elizabethhiggins September 12, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

        It wasn’t better. But the weekend is almost here! One more day. Was your day any better?

      • aprileb September 12, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

        Mine wasn’t better either, so we are the same. I’m a bridesmaid this weekend. Not excited. Feel guilty for not being excited.

      • elizabethhiggins September 12, 2013 at 7:03 pm #

        Yeah, kids can be cruel – after hours of being screamed and sworn at by young children, i’m ready for a couple of days off. I’m one in two week for my best friend…I’m not excited either. I’m trying not to be bitter, but it’s hard.

  2. jadedwildcat September 8, 2013 at 6:27 pm #

    Well I read all the posts you wrote from Saturday – then this one. Incredible that you seem to have already begun to move on just after the phone call (which, wow, I don’t know if I’d have had the courage to make…)
    The thing that always worries me is what you said in one of your entries yesterday, how even after five weeks, you felt you were ‘back to how you were when you’d just broken up’.
    I was once broken up for about three months… and it still hurt like Hell, even at that time when I was trying to move on with someone else. I think I even blogged about it before (and you might have even commented)…
    I guess some of us really are just a lot stronger than others, and it seems like you are really quite strong and at least able to ACCEPT your situation, and even recognize why it has to be that way. Really good on you for that.
    It’s so sad to me that your relationship had to end when it seems like it was really going well… that missing 1% must really be important! I know a lot of people don’t like to settle but, sometimes I worry that people expect too much perfect where perfect really doesn’t exist?
    Anyway, I don’t mean to sound like a downer or anything so I better shut up about that. I really am glad if you’re beginning to feel strength and acceptance, and I hope that your new job goes well and that five more weeks from now, you’ll be in a happier, more peaceful place… xoxo

    • aprileb September 8, 2013 at 6:32 pm #

      Thank you. I don’t feel strong right now. But I think I need to be because I just can’t get stuck in this. My counsellor says I’m headed towards depression and I just want to turn it around, you know?

      It makes me sad re the 0.1%. Not even a full 1%! My ex said the happiest he’s ever been in his life was with me, but he needs that 0.1% more. I think he’s mental. I think he’s chasing a dream and we would have had such a good life together. But if someone is willing to throw all that amazingness away over something so little, then I guess I don’t want to be with that person.

      It’s easier said than done.

      Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate the support, especially today. It means a lot to me x

      • jadedwildcat September 8, 2013 at 6:54 pm #

        Well see? Again, you recognizing that you NEED to be strong is really such an amazing thing to someone like me. Seems like a no-brainer but… some of us are still really stuck in not even knowing what to live for anymore, or why or how we should be strong…
        It’s really good to see you know what you want and what you don’t want. Where does your sense of clarity come from I wonder?
        I wonder if and when I’ll reach a point where I’m just so sure of these things myself.
        Lucky you seeing a counsellor as well – I’ve been told by every single counselling place here that there’s a 6-8 wait list… Sigh. Here’s hoping I even make it that far.

        Anyway, take care… it’s been one hell of a day for you I’m sure, so baby steps for now I suppose.

      • aprileb September 8, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

        I am lucky re the counsellor. My old work hooked me up, part of the health insurance, and I still get her now that I’ve left.

        I think I just know I don’t want to feel this sad forever. I know you don’t want to either, do you? And much as everything else has been out of my control, it’s really only up to me now to decide what happens. You have that control too. You might not feel that you have the strength, but I promise you do. I think you just need to visualise yourself where you want to be. You can’t control everything but you can put yourself in a situation that makes it more likely.

        X

      • jadedwildcat September 8, 2013 at 7:26 pm #

        Thanks so much. Once again, it sounds so easy to just know what I want, and to be able to visualize it but.. then again, if I were so certain of what I wanted in the first place, maybe I’d have never gotten myself into such an awful situation? 😦
        Maybe I really need to somehow start focusing on what I want out of this life… it’s just I don’t know how long it’ll take for me to figure that out. Definitely won’t come overnight….Hope it doesn’t take too long 😦

        Thank you again. At least we can try to support each other this way online.

  3. iwantmyhusbandback September 8, 2013 at 8:00 pm #

    WOW! Gosh! How are you feeling?
    Its harsh and raw when you have to face the reality of the situation and accept its over! Giving up hope is so hard and i am really struggling with it!
    I feel like i have to act like i’m strong and ok and i’m thinking that you feel you have to do the same! Its early days and whilst i don’t want to encourage you to be a nutter (like me) you still need to let yourself grieve!!
    I am in no position to give out advice but huge hugs!! Feeling sad is shite!!! xx

    • aprileb September 8, 2013 at 8:20 pm #

      Huge hugs back atcha! I feel more calm and like it’s just done. It’s just deeply sad. Like you I’m trying to hold it together. Starting a new job tomorrow. Trying not to cry on the phone to my mum because it makes her cry. Focusing on my best mate’s wedding and trying not to be the miserable bridesmaid. Deep down I’ve never felt anything like this. I didn’t eat today. I just feel raw. But I do feel more at ease.

      How about you? I know you must never have felt anything like this before either. I think clarity will come. Maybe M being such an almighty arsehole is – though so painful – the clarity you need to accept it. Not a very nice way of getting clarity, but none of this is very nice.

      X

      • iwantmyhusbandback September 8, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

        Hey! Good luck with the job tomorrow!

        I know what you mean about not crying on the phone to your mum! My mums totally he same! My mum almost seems to take on my pain!

        M is an arsehole and not the M i knew! He is actually a to$$er ha!

        I am doing the same as you and focusing on my friends and all that stuff but its feels like i have all the tools but i don’t know how to use them!!

        Check in tomorrow and let us know how your first day went xxx

      • aprileb September 8, 2013 at 8:29 pm #

        Ooh. Got the tools and don’t know how to use them. Good way of putting it.

  4. Shanmoo February 20, 2015 at 7:10 pm #

    Have we had the same ex? .1%?? Mines a commitment phobe …. He also found some small thing to use as an excuse not to be with me despite me being the person he loved more than anyone and wanted to be with for the rest of his life, live with, have babies with… etc etc. What idiots. Im so sorry you had to hear that. It must have been truly gutting. It was for me and the worst thing was I couldnt do anything about it.

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