Am I officially ‘losing it’?

4 Sep

So. After three sun-drenched days on holiday in Nice, I’m starting to feel…worse. Wait a minute, I am not supposed to be feeling better? This trip was “just what the doctor ordered”. Well, not the doctor, but the telephone counselling woman my work’s HR department hooked me up with. I don’t even work there anymore, so it’s pretty decent of them. Anyway, back to the holiday.

We head home tomorrow. I don’t know if it’s been going out for meals and looking at the menu, eyes filling up as I remember looking at menus with my ex (I’m embarrassed to say this has actually happened to me), but I miss him more and more.

Today we went to Cannes. That’s two hours on the bus each way from Nice. That’s four hours of my life that my backside isn’t getting back. Anyway, we arrived in Cannes and all I could think is that his parents used to have an apartment there. And I miss his parents, damnit. It’s not even just him.

Also, the food in Nice is awful. Ugh. And everywhere – absolutely everywhere – seems focused on producing pizza. Not what I needed right now.

I really want to keep my blog upbeat and to turn a corner and feel better and realise this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me etc. etc., but I have to tell you I feel lonely and I also feel like an emotional nut job who is never going to get over this. In ten years time I’ll be holed up in my flat – catless because it’s too small for a cat – muttering about the love of my life never loved me back. I can’t believe it has all ended this way. I can’t believe it has been nearly five weeks. I can’t believe I start my new job on Monday.

I have a feeling of impending doom. In a really bad way.

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2 Responses to “Am I officially ‘losing it’?”

  1. jadedwildcat September 4, 2013 at 9:26 pm #

    =( Aw man……….hang in there, hun. *hugs* I’m here for you, I really am. What’s funny is… I’m so horrible with the food and menus thing too. People laugh and think it’s so ridiculous to cry over those things but, a lot of what he and I do together is eat and experience new foods, cook together, etc. For some couples it’s a number one hobby to do together and yeah it’s so hard to let all of that go and forget about how it once was so pleasurable…
    It’s like suddenly you want to start avoiding any and all places you ever went together but, it’s not that easy because a lot of other different restaurants still serve the same dishes which you’ll then remember you both used to love, etc.
    *sigh*
    Lord, I do feel for you and I wish I could think of a way to rid the world of this kind of heartache. I swear I don’t know how other people get past it. I don’t.
    I also know the feeling of missing the parents, family etc. You get so intertwined with someone and their life, you miss all parts of it and not just them.

    Are you two on speaking terms at all or was it a clean break with no contact?
    I’m assuming the latter – was just wondering if maybe you thought it would be easier to try to talk once in awhile, or if that would make things worse?

    Stay strong…. xoxo

    • aprileb September 4, 2013 at 9:37 pm #

      Aww, thank you so much for your support. It helps so, so much to hear from people. You are right. I have no idea how people get through this stuff. One of my friends had her engagement broken off two months before the wedding (this was four years ago, she’s now happily hooked up with someone else and just had a lovely baby girl), but I said to her last week I hae no idea how she is still walking around breathing and stuff after what she went through. She promised me it gets easier.

      As for me and the ex, it was a clean(ish) break. He broke up with me, I asked him to leave. Five weeks later we still have all of each other’s stuff and haven’t had any contact. I think if I saw him I would completely break down. I don’t think there’s anything he could say that would make it feel less painful, you know?

      I’ll just keep on getting up every morning and hoping it gets less difficult at some point. I went to see a psychic just after it happened which made me feel great, but now I’m starting to doubt it all.

      I hope you are doing ok too. I’m reading all your posts and crossing my paws for you all the time x

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