Am I a terrible friend?

29 Aug

One of my best friends is getting married in two weeks. I’m a bridesmaid. When she asked me to be her bridesmaid I was so excited I could hardly sleep. We’ve been friends since university, we used to live together, I really like her fiancé. I am happy for her. Of course I am.

But whenever I think about this wedding I start crying.

It’s not because I fear I’ll never get married. It’s because my ex was supposed to be there. Instead, I have two first-class train tickets to myself, and a lovely, big room in the nicest hotel in Edinburgh. To myself.

I hate going to weddings alone.

The hen party was two weeks ago. I found it really tough.

And on top of feeling bad because I’m sad, I feel guilty for being sad.

Today I went to get some spanx for under my dress and some shoes to match the dress. I ended up crying, feeling dizzy, and wandering around with the craziest craving for sushi (no sushi in sight). Then another customer (a large customer, I hasten to add) literally fell into a shop that I was leaving and punched me in the stomach in the process. It sounds unlikely, I know. But this actually happened.

The good news is that The Body Shop had 40% off and I bought every coconut-themed product that they make. I love coconut. My ex used to call me his “tropical princess”.

I hate that even coconut reminds me of him.

I’m mad at myself for still being so upset about this.

I’m angry that I miss him so much.

Also I really despise the Phones4U ads about how “breaking up doesn’t have to be hard”. Assholes.

I need this to stop hurting. Ideally in time for the wedding.

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4 Responses to “Am I a terrible friend?”

  1. intothebeauty August 29, 2013 at 7:27 pm #

    You’re not a bad friend at all. This was just bad timing. I’m sorry you have to go through a wedding at a time like this. For your friends sake and out of the goodness of your heart, just try to be there for her through this time in her life. And just remember that your time will come. Be happy for them and wish them the best. Going to weddings isn’t that bad when you’re alone. I just came back from my best friend’s wedding and going solo/being a brides maid meant I got a lot of boy attention. Look your absolute best and smile because someone could fall in love with it! That, and you’ll get a nice confidence boost the day of the wedding 🙂 Just have fun and remember, it’s okay to feel the way you do. Just don’t forget to love yourself along the way and to know this is all normal and natural. The tears will be few and far between. I still cry sometimes, but it’s rare now. Hang in there!

  2. aprileb August 29, 2013 at 9:07 pm #

    Thank you! It’s so nice to hear back from others and get your words of advice. I know I just need to enjoy it and stop thinking so hard and dwelling on the past. I have a wedding this weekend as well (although not as close a friend and I am not a bridesmaid) so at least that is like a little practice session. I know this has got to get easier. And it has it a little easier every week. Hopefully one day I’ll look back and realise why all this has happened. I the meantime, thank you for making it easier for me. X

  3. luciddream85 August 30, 2013 at 1:42 am #

    You’re still going to the wedding. That makes you a great friend. You aren’t wishing total and utter failure on your friends marriage, so that also makes you a great friend. Breakups take a grieving process, just like any loss. There is no time period to “get over it” …. one day you just realize that it hurts a little less. I was with a man for three years, and it took me a solid year to stop crying over him. They said the rule of thumb is that it takes half of the time you were together, to stop being sad. I say there is no time period. You love him. You will for a long time. Pain is raw and real …. and you have to get through it to move past it.

    • aprileb August 30, 2013 at 11:20 am #

      Thank you. It’s so good to know other people have been through this (although of course I wouldn’t wish it on anyone). I want to enjoy this wedding. I’m taking your advice, reminding myself that I am a great friend and have nothing to feel embarrassed or ashamed of. X

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